Failure

I feel like a failure tonight. No matter how much I've tried to be and feel accepted by a certain group, I feel like they just won't accept me. This sounds very ungrateful, especially after gaining lots of friend outside that groups that love me for who I am. I don't know why I want to be accepted that much by this certain group, to be a social butterfly who are accepted by everyone. This obsession makes me feel insecure, and obviously has created a rift between me and those who accepted me for who I am. I ended up having no clear identity about myself, whenever I remember how this certain group looks so fun and popular and I should fit myself into them.

And then my thoughts drift to how I couldn't make it to the final of the last competition I participated in college. How I did not really master a specific skill, and how I did not know where I am heading next. How I might not have a friend to travel together before going to the workplace. How I might never have someone loving me first. How I might not find the one. How I might not be able to succeed because of my mediocre skills of everything. How I didn't have a good network, and didn't have a chance to create one. How my boring and serious personality might tire everyone eventually. How I never improve and be good enough no matter how much I've tried. How in the end I might be a lonely loser who didn't have anyone and couldn't be at the top.

New temporary crush

Hey.

I have to admit that you are cute. You are tall, smart, funny, and kinda wise. I admire how you mingle with others. I admire all your talents. I admire your down-to-earth attitude. Though we have same backgrounds, the way we do things are so different. I know that you can't offer me what I need, such as assurance abt my future, career and serious moral supports, and other stuffs that I have to deal since I'm about to graduate. I can be wrong though, since we are not that close (yet?). You may not find my boring personality, monochrome mind and life interesting. You may also find that my looks are mediocre. I may not be your type, and you may be not the right person for me.


However, these days, I find myself looking for you and wanting to meet you. I find myself showing my best side to you. I find myself happy talking to you or talking about you. There's this affection that was reflected in the way I talk abt a few people I fond of, and I guess it's reflected when I talk about you. I am attracted to you.

For now, I think there's no way that we are compatible with each other. You are not the type that can be approached first by a girl. I'm not sure too, that this relationship might work if I put some efforts. I'm about to graduate and leave this place too. Maybe this is just me feeling lonely. Ifyou happen to read this, I just want you to know how attractive you are to me. I am writing this because it's 2am and I need a place to release this thought that has bothered me for the past few weeks.