2020

 Yak, tidak sadar sudah 2020. Terakhir kali post 2017. Berhasil melewati beberapa galau tanpa wadah ini untungnya, dan masih baik-baik saja.

Si cowok yang kita galaukan di tahun 2017-2018 itu sudah punya cewek. Baru aja.

Bodohnya, I still like the idea of him. Cuma ya, aku ngerti sih, dari segala sisi juga, we are not meant for each other. Nggak tau cuma kenapa belum bisa let go sepenuhnya, atau kenapa masih sedih. Mungkin karena fakta kalau aku nggak akan bisa jadi cici cici cetar tipe cowok kayak dia. I thought bakal beda tipenya, ternyata sama-sama aja.

Emang waktunya aku cari cowok yang tipenya kayak aku. Tapi dimana juga gak tau sih. Jujur gue sendiri bingung target market gue siapa. If I were a man, what kind of man I am and how would I want me to be my girlfriend? Lol grammatically membingungkan ya.

Jujur masih berharap punya pasangan, meskipun dalam hati siap-siap mental juga kalau emang harus sendiri. Ya gimana ya. It's out of my control. Gue mau tulis ketakutan atau penyesalan aja kali ya:

• Menyesalkan kehilangan waktu untuk lebih lama jatuh cinta, atau lebih lama mengenal satu sama lain.
• Salah satu bucket list ku juga succeeding LDR, udah sulit juga kelihatannya.
• Takut juga kalau gue punya pasangan sekarang, terus gak cocok dan putus, dan sesusah apa nyari lagi.
• Tapi takut juga kalau gue punya pasangan bakal jadi toxic dan gue needy dan clingy dan posesif dalam effort untuk nggak mau putus (tapi malah bikin putus)
• Takut juga kalau gue sendiri juga belum menemukan dan cukup percaya sama diri gue sendiri untuk stand my ground dalam suatu hubungan
• Kalau dalam hubungannya aja bingung, apalagi buat mulai. Nggak gitu pede juga buat memulai apapun
• Karena takut ditolak. Takut dikacangin, takut diomongin di belakang ataupun nggak cocok
• Takut juga aku pengen menikah dan lain-lain karena takut nggak fit in aja sebenarnya atau dianggap aneh sendiri. Bukan karena beneran pengen
• I'm principled enough juga tapi untuk nggak menikah just for the sake untuk menikah. Jadi ya serba salah juga, takut selamanya nggak pede nggak fit in (padahal ya bisa ku embrace juga kan kalau aku emang beda dari yang lain)
• On the other hand, aku mau merasakan cinta yang dalam kayak yang dialami orang lain. Nggak tau akan punya kesempatan ini apa nggak. Ngerasain anniversary tiap tahun atau bulan di awal-awal, dapat bunga, partnership pas travelling. Pengen. Ini yang rasanya running out of time banget.

Yah sebenernya intinya... aku pengen bisa embracing my authentic self dengan segala principle dan ideals-nya, percaya diri dengan itu meskipun mungkin nggak fit in, dan merasakan cinta yang dalaaam tapi bisa diajak berpetualang (kali aja mau diajak ke Rusia bareng naik kereta, who knows).

 Sama aja prinsipnya yang nggak berani KPR karena takut running out of time mimpi travelling. Tapi di sisi lain kalau aku gak berkeluarga, sebenarnya bisa banget menyisihkan budget buat mimpi travelling itu hehe. Tapi pengen jatuh cinta (dan dicintai) yang proper. Bingung gak? Aku sih bingung.

Sekian. Nggak sabar 2021 cuma karena berharap lihat tabungan setelah menabung beberapa bulan ke depan ini hehe.

Semoga kita semua baik-baik saja.

huft

I can't differentiate whether this is love, liking someone, or just getting way too dependent to someone who showed you care a little and expecting too much from it.

Yeah, maybe you do like him,  you do care about him. And you decided to use whatever time remains to have fun with him since he will be out of country next year. But if you were this anxious, is this really worth it? However, you do understand how busy he is, and how sociable he is with his old friends. You know how he rarely opens his phone when interacting with someone, how he so unlike you in terms of replying chats and all. And if you have a relationship with him, you have to understand that. That's why at times I think that no, he was not for me, I can't deal with this, I should stop. But why does that make me feel so sad. Is it because like I don't have any men in my life? Lonely little sag of pimples and insecurities all in one package of clingy trysh huh

But I think you need to tell him too, how anxious he makes you and all. But I'm afraid that he might go away. I mean we don't have any commitment, he doesn't want to get serious any time now. What do I expect? He's free to go out and not telling me anything. But why does that make me feel sad. Do I have attachment issue again?

Yes this toxic for me. But how do I manage my future relationship if now I can't even deal with things like this?

sumpah ga enak banget perasaan dalem hati kayak seminggu ini  chatnya ga enak gitu loh cuma lapor2 doang dan flirting2 doang tapi kayak kurang tapi kayak gimana doi sibuk banget gue juga ada aja kerjaan. harusnya kamis kemaren nonton bareng huf. hari ini mau ngajakin malemnya tp doinya malah abis kerja udah ada janji sama temen lain. gue sakit aja gitu loh dalem hati kayak sepi ga enak ga enak banget gatau harus gmn huhuhuhuuHUHUHUHUHU gatau harus gmn 

Mimpi pagi ini

Jadi kayak dari kemarin malam menunggu balasan pesan... kepikiran banget tuh kan sampai yg biasanya gue tidur matiin sinyal kemarin tuh ngga.. jadi paling ngga pas pesannya sampe kesannya ga kayak hp w mati gitu... terus sampai pagi belum dibales, adanya cuma 1 chat dari orang lain di 1 grup yang beranggotakan orang yang ditungguin juga. Yauda lanjut aja kepikiran sampai di mobil berangkat belum dibales juga.

Terus di mobil kan tidur tuh, agak susah awalnya karna suara radio papa. Disitu sebelumnya gue mikirin orang yang ditungguin ini.. kayak worst case scenario aja.. apa gue udah membosankan sekarang, terlalu clingy, terlalu bahaya dan baper, apa doi mau stop, atau apa doi justru ikut baper, apa doi ga enak.. sampai akhirnya ketidur.

Di tidur itu gue gaada mimpi jelas.. cuma gue berasanya kayak ada kebangun gitu jam 8 kurang, di tempat yg masih agak jauh dari harmoni, dan kayak mikir wah ini macet banget.. trus karna belum dibales dan masih nunggu gue jadi bilang di grup kalau macet sih hari ini, dgn harapan ngecek si doi buka grup atau ngga, jadi tau apakah dia sengaja ga bales atau gmn. Ada juga niatan buat ngechat doi ngabarin hari ini macet tapi gajadi

Trus gue tidur lagi.. trus bangun di harmoni dan melihat kalau gaada tuh chat gue di grup ngabarin macet jam 8 kurang... semuanya mimpi guys. Saking nungguinnya sampai kebawa mimpi nyata gitu. Capek juga pas bangun karna di mimpi ceritanya udah bangun huhu. Is it me being obsessed? Bahaya banget nih terlalu ngarep dan overthinking huhuhu. Mana ga ketemu lg hari ini hft hft.

Doakan ku baik baik saja ya dan berhenti terlalu terobsesi.. ini masih tanpa status dan ngga ldr. Gimana nanti kri kalau harus move on pasti bakal susah banget. Dan kalaupun pacaran ini bakal jadi weakness. Harus berhenti overthinking! Coba jalanin biasa aja tanpa mikir gitu loh :(

Bucket list

This list may be frequently updated.

In no particular order
1. Joining The Amazing Race
2. Living in US/Singapore/Aussie/South Korea for one year
3. Cuddling while watching new movies on TV with romantic partner
4. Eating Gordon Ramsay's dish
5. Be a digital marketeer, understand digital marketing
6. Get my name on Adweek or Forbes
7. Visiting Cannes Lions
8. Succeeding long distance relationship
9. Sending my parents on a trip with my money
10. Visiting Panti Asuhan Roslin in Kupang
11. Gili Trawangan again, alone or with partner
12. Imagine Dragons concert
13. Choir concert
14. Going to America as a tourist (NY, LA, LV)
15. Making an Indonesia online movie database with movie critics e.g. rotten tomatoes
16. Find a good boyfriend and marry him lol. 

About plans

I decided to keep my plans open, listing priorities and possibilities for now.

I don't want to get too disappointed if I fail to meet the goals in my plan.

I'll try to be grateful, to convince myself that there may be better doors than the one I plan to enter, or maybe I already entered the right door for the moment.

I'm tired, and I think I need to stop pressuring myself with overly ambitious plans that keeps me from enjoying the present, that takes my sanity and makes me feel like a failure.

I'll try not being too hard on myself. I'm trying.

Food for thoughts

Sebulan terakhir ini banyak melakukan percakapan percakapan berarti dengan manusia manusia baik di sekitar saya. Berikut kata2 mutiara baik yang bikin saya tambah sayang dan banyak berpikir :)

"I'd rather you get hurt from real experience instead of your thoughts."

"If you're burnt, try to burnt bright."

"Nothing good comes easy."

"Life is worth living, because u dont know how it ends. You get to write ur own story."

"Hey, it's okay. There's always first time for everything."

"I still yet to see the world. Why stop now? We're still young. You have the right to dream. I have the right to dream."

"Even if you work harder for it, it won't succeed. It only works when you let it go."

"Because the excitement outweighs the hurt."

"Nothing in this world is permanent and we're foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we're still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it."

"You tried and that's what counts."

Haduh. Jd reminder bgt hari hari ini.

Tambahan satu dengan extra reassurance:
"Trys nobody actually know what they are doing in term of relationship. Even our moral compass couldnt help us. 

We just do what our heart wanna do...."

Answers

Kemarin abis curhat tentang beberapa pernak-pernik kehidupan bersama Fian dan Ryani. Intinya sih menceritakan new crushnya saya yang kebetulan (mungkin karna lagi pms juga) lari-lari terus di pikiran. Sedikit merangkum, kira-kira ada tiga tema besar dari pembicaraan kemarin.

1. Comfort zone
To go out, to be a little not myself in order to move forward. To be more accepting, to do more action after much thinking. To be more sensitive toward hidden feelings (maybe?), hint, and stuffs. To be honest it's tiring. I know that having more positive outlook toward something may lead to positive results too. However, I also know that it is in my best interest to lay down my expectation, expect negative outcomes, so that I won't be too broken when I fail. When it comes to relationships, there's no definitive guide on how to not fail. Unlike other things in life where I can predict my next move, and prepare for everything that may come on my way. I think I can go for any achievement if I want to, if I have someone whom I wanna please, or if I put my heart to it. Love, meanwhile, is huge achievement, that I can't get with just efforts and hard work, unlike other achievement. I learned it the hard way last year, not just in romantic relationships but also on friendships. Sometimes your hard works are not enough, sometimes your hard works are not what they want, and your hard works are not right for them. And it makes me scared to put so much hard works into someone that may not return it. I mean I was fine with the hard works, but it feels like I'm making a fool out of myself. I'm embarassing myself. And that was not fine. So I built up this comfort zone, with walls made from negative predictions when it comes to relationship. I feel like crying writing this huh

So Fian told me to go outside my comfort zone, be honest with myself and Ryani told me to learn how to properly responds someone's flirting lol. I think I can learn a thing or two about the second suggestion, but... to go outside that comfort zone. Actually with my current crush (lol it feels weird to call him a crush) I think I did go over my comfort zone a little. That freaks me out in the moment, and in the end (unconsciously?) I go back to my safe haven of sad and pathetic girl who don't know love. Will figure my next step tomorrow. My bad face condition right now from today merciless skin care didn't help. I know I want this. So I should try breaking down my comfort zone right? Even if it means making a fool of myself again. Should you prepare yourself for future heartbreak and insecure post? Lol.

2. Why u like someone
In his effort to make me go out from my comfort zone, Fian asked me, why do you want this? Why do you like this certain person? And it occurs to me that I never really thought of that whenever I like someone. One certain thing, I think proximity is one of the main factor why I become fond of someone romantically. When you meet someone everyday and converse fun and deep things, well it doesn't have to be deep but at least one of us should open up our feeling about anything. After proximity, I'd think about my basic standard of men, background, physical appearance, if our personality fits, and if I can rely on him. If the standards meet, then I'll come to like this certain someone. Is this the right way to fall in love? I don't know. They said that you know it when you meet the right one, but when I fall in love each time I always think that he or he are the right one. Which are not. So I don't know if I can't believe that statement anymore.
With this guy, I think we opened up our feelings about work a little late. He did flirt with me at some times, but it didn't occur to me that he did before I talked to it to someone and they confirmed it for me (which will be explained in number 3). My first impression was that he reminds me of my high school crush, with the same US background, same ethnicity, similar accent, and the way both like to ideally pursue their dreams before getting realistic. And I do like his voice, even though maybe because it was similar to my high school crush, and I don't know why I feel guilty to admit it. I like that he was very attentive toward me, even when I didn't realize it (and I'm afraid now I needlessly come to analyze every attention he gives). I came to miss him when we were in different office. I like that he wait for me and come to my desk, maybe only for that two times, but it might mean something. The big game changer actually was my phone call to him when I was having a very bad day at work, because that was the first time I heard about his story and feeling, about work ha. I also like his views on things like future and stuffs because it matched mine lol.

So yeah. I think that's why I might want this, I don't if all those reasons I wrote above (or the ones in my unconscious mind that I didn't write) are right enough for me to make a fooooool of myself. But yeah I think I give it a try.

3. Why u can't stand on your own
The third was about how I need others' affirmation and support, when I actually looks like I can do everything alone. I think, to respond to your statements Fi, this stems from my friendship to Joanna. Throughout my school life, never have I ever get a friendship like that one. I'm not saying that was the best one (or maybe it is) but it shapes me a lot. As her best friend at that time, we talked about almost anything anytime via chats. And man, I do miss that a lot, to these days. She was there everytime, I depend on her a lot on anything. I need and consider her confirmation for anything, and she did that as well to me (and her other close friends). I didn't have anyone to do that previously, and I don't really have on right now. Maybe I took her for granted. The hole that she left, and some friends that left with her too, were so huge. Thank God to HMIK, I barely survived that year she left. I'm doing fine in terms of friendship since the focus shifted on my final project, I found new good, precious support systems, that I'll do anything in my power to keep them and make them happy (you are one of them :p). Yet talking about this opened up a wound that may have stitched neatly, but are not completely dried and healed inside. I think, even though I do get stronger right now and I'm doing better at letting go attachments, I'll continue finding people to stand with me.

Yha begitulah. Beratnya memikirkan ini.
Dengan post ini juga aku berharap semoga anak-anak bimbingan ttt bisa lulus dengan aman, drama dikit gapapa  tapi jangan sampe separah gue. You all deserve happy endings, free from any form of bullying lol