Kemarin abis curhat tentang beberapa pernak-pernik kehidupan bersama Fian dan Ryani. Intinya sih menceritakan new crushnya saya yang kebetulan (mungkin karna lagi pms juga) lari-lari terus di pikiran. Sedikit merangkum, kira-kira ada tiga tema besar dari pembicaraan kemarin.
1. Comfort zone
To go out, to be a little not myself in order to move forward. To be more accepting, to do more action after much thinking. To be more sensitive toward hidden feelings (maybe?), hint, and stuffs. To be honest it's tiring. I know that having more positive outlook toward something may lead to positive results too. However, I also know that it is in my best interest to lay down my expectation, expect negative outcomes, so that I won't be too broken when I fail. When it comes to relationships, there's no definitive guide on how to not fail. Unlike other things in life where I can predict my next move, and prepare for everything that may come on my way. I think I can go for any achievement if I want to, if I have someone whom I wanna please, or if I put my heart to it. Love, meanwhile, is huge achievement, that I can't get with just efforts and hard work, unlike other achievement. I learned it the hard way last year, not just in romantic relationships but also on friendships. Sometimes your hard works are not enough, sometimes your hard works are not what they want, and your hard works are not right for them. And it makes me scared to put so much hard works into someone that may not return it. I mean I was fine with the hard works, but it feels like I'm making a fool out of myself. I'm embarassing myself. And that was not fine. So I built up this comfort zone, with walls made from negative predictions when it comes to relationship. I feel like crying writing this huh
So Fian told me to go outside my comfort zone, be honest with myself and Ryani told me to learn how to properly responds someone's flirting lol. I think I can learn a thing or two about the second suggestion, but... to go outside that comfort zone. Actually with my current crush (lol it feels weird to call him a crush) I think I did go over my comfort zone a little. That freaks me out in the moment, and in the end (unconsciously?) I go back to my safe haven of sad and pathetic girl who don't know love. Will figure my next step tomorrow. My bad face condition right now from today merciless skin care didn't help. I know I want this. So I should try breaking down my comfort zone right? Even if it means making a fool of myself again. Should you prepare yourself for future heartbreak and insecure post? Lol.
2. Why u like someone
In his effort to make me go out from my comfort zone, Fian asked me, why do you want this? Why do you like this certain person? And it occurs to me that I never really thought of that whenever I like someone. One certain thing, I think proximity is one of the main factor why I become fond of someone romantically. When you meet someone everyday and converse fun and deep things, well it doesn't have to be deep but at least one of us should open up our feeling about anything. After proximity, I'd think about my basic standard of men, background, physical appearance, if our personality fits, and if I can rely on him. If the standards meet, then I'll come to like this certain someone. Is this the right way to fall in love? I don't know. They said that you know it when you meet the right one, but when I fall in love each time I always think that he or he are the right one. Which are not. So I don't know if I can't believe that statement anymore.
With this guy, I think we opened up our feelings about work a little late. He did flirt with me at some times, but it didn't occur to me that he did before I talked to it to someone and they confirmed it for me (which will be explained in number 3). My first impression was that he reminds me of my high school crush, with the same US background, same ethnicity, similar accent, and the way both like to ideally pursue their dreams before getting realistic. And I do like his voice, even though maybe because it was similar to my high school crush, and I don't know why I feel guilty to admit it. I like that he was very attentive toward me, even when I didn't realize it (and I'm afraid now I needlessly come to analyze every attention he gives). I came to miss him when we were in different office. I like that he wait for me and come to my desk, maybe only for that two times, but it might mean something. The big game changer actually was my phone call to him when I was having a very bad day at work, because that was the first time I heard about his story and feeling, about work ha. I also like his views on things like future and stuffs because it matched mine lol.
So yeah. I think that's why I might want this, I don't if all those reasons I wrote above (or the ones in my unconscious mind that I didn't write) are right enough for me to make a fooooool of myself. But yeah I think I give it a try.
3. Why u can't stand on your own
The third was about how I need others' affirmation and support, when I actually looks like I can do everything alone. I think, to respond to your statements Fi, this stems from my friendship to Joanna. Throughout my school life, never have I ever get a friendship like that one. I'm not saying that was the best one (or maybe it is) but it shapes me a lot. As her best friend at that time, we talked about almost anything anytime via chats. And man, I do miss that a lot, to these days. She was there everytime, I depend on her a lot on anything. I need and consider her confirmation for anything, and she did that as well to me (and her other close friends). I didn't have anyone to do that previously, and I don't really have on right now. Maybe I took her for granted. The hole that she left, and some friends that left with her too, were so huge. Thank God to HMIK, I barely survived that year she left. I'm doing fine in terms of friendship since the focus shifted on my final project, I found new good, precious support systems, that I'll do anything in my power to keep them and make them happy (you are one of them :p). Yet talking about this opened up a wound that may have stitched neatly, but are not completely dried and healed inside. I think, even though I do get stronger right now and I'm doing better at letting go attachments, I'll continue finding people to stand with me.
Yha begitulah. Beratnya memikirkan ini.
Dengan post ini juga aku berharap semoga anak-anak bimbingan ttt bisa lulus dengan aman, drama dikit gapapa tapi jangan sampe separah gue. You all deserve happy endings, free from any form of bullying lol
1. Comfort zone
To go out, to be a little not myself in order to move forward. To be more accepting, to do more action after much thinking. To be more sensitive toward hidden feelings (maybe?), hint, and stuffs. To be honest it's tiring. I know that having more positive outlook toward something may lead to positive results too. However, I also know that it is in my best interest to lay down my expectation, expect negative outcomes, so that I won't be too broken when I fail. When it comes to relationships, there's no definitive guide on how to not fail. Unlike other things in life where I can predict my next move, and prepare for everything that may come on my way. I think I can go for any achievement if I want to, if I have someone whom I wanna please, or if I put my heart to it. Love, meanwhile, is huge achievement, that I can't get with just efforts and hard work, unlike other achievement. I learned it the hard way last year, not just in romantic relationships but also on friendships. Sometimes your hard works are not enough, sometimes your hard works are not what they want, and your hard works are not right for them. And it makes me scared to put so much hard works into someone that may not return it. I mean I was fine with the hard works, but it feels like I'm making a fool out of myself. I'm embarassing myself. And that was not fine. So I built up this comfort zone, with walls made from negative predictions when it comes to relationship. I feel like crying writing this huh
So Fian told me to go outside my comfort zone, be honest with myself and Ryani told me to learn how to properly responds someone's flirting lol. I think I can learn a thing or two about the second suggestion, but... to go outside that comfort zone. Actually with my current crush (lol it feels weird to call him a crush) I think I did go over my comfort zone a little. That freaks me out in the moment, and in the end (unconsciously?) I go back to my safe haven of sad and pathetic girl who don't know love. Will figure my next step tomorrow. My bad face condition right now from today merciless skin care didn't help. I know I want this. So I should try breaking down my comfort zone right? Even if it means making a fool of myself again. Should you prepare yourself for future heartbreak and insecure post? Lol.
2. Why u like someone
In his effort to make me go out from my comfort zone, Fian asked me, why do you want this? Why do you like this certain person? And it occurs to me that I never really thought of that whenever I like someone. One certain thing, I think proximity is one of the main factor why I become fond of someone romantically. When you meet someone everyday and converse fun and deep things, well it doesn't have to be deep but at least one of us should open up our feeling about anything. After proximity, I'd think about my basic standard of men, background, physical appearance, if our personality fits, and if I can rely on him. If the standards meet, then I'll come to like this certain someone. Is this the right way to fall in love? I don't know. They said that you know it when you meet the right one, but when I fall in love each time I always think that he or he are the right one. Which are not. So I don't know if I can't believe that statement anymore.
With this guy, I think we opened up our feelings about work a little late. He did flirt with me at some times, but it didn't occur to me that he did before I talked to it to someone and they confirmed it for me (which will be explained in number 3). My first impression was that he reminds me of my high school crush, with the same US background, same ethnicity, similar accent, and the way both like to ideally pursue their dreams before getting realistic. And I do like his voice, even though maybe because it was similar to my high school crush, and I don't know why I feel guilty to admit it. I like that he was very attentive toward me, even when I didn't realize it (and I'm afraid now I needlessly come to analyze every attention he gives). I came to miss him when we were in different office. I like that he wait for me and come to my desk, maybe only for that two times, but it might mean something. The big game changer actually was my phone call to him when I was having a very bad day at work, because that was the first time I heard about his story and feeling, about work ha. I also like his views on things like future and stuffs because it matched mine lol.
So yeah. I think that's why I might want this, I don't if all those reasons I wrote above (or the ones in my unconscious mind that I didn't write) are right enough for me to make a fooooool of myself. But yeah I think I give it a try.
3. Why u can't stand on your own
The third was about how I need others' affirmation and support, when I actually looks like I can do everything alone. I think, to respond to your statements Fi, this stems from my friendship to Joanna. Throughout my school life, never have I ever get a friendship like that one. I'm not saying that was the best one (or maybe it is) but it shapes me a lot. As her best friend at that time, we talked about almost anything anytime via chats. And man, I do miss that a lot, to these days. She was there everytime, I depend on her a lot on anything. I need and consider her confirmation for anything, and she did that as well to me (and her other close friends). I didn't have anyone to do that previously, and I don't really have on right now. Maybe I took her for granted. The hole that she left, and some friends that left with her too, were so huge. Thank God to HMIK, I barely survived that year she left. I'm doing fine in terms of friendship since the focus shifted on my final project, I found new good, precious support systems, that I'll do anything in my power to keep them and make them happy (you are one of them :p). Yet talking about this opened up a wound that may have stitched neatly, but are not completely dried and healed inside. I think, even though I do get stronger right now and I'm doing better at letting go attachments, I'll continue finding people to stand with me.
Yha begitulah. Beratnya memikirkan ini.
Dengan post ini juga aku berharap semoga anak-anak bimbingan ttt bisa lulus dengan aman, drama dikit gapapa tapi jangan sampe separah gue. You all deserve happy endings, free from any form of bullying lol
