If only I were less pathetic..

Then I wouldn’t have to find happiness externally, through projection to pop culture and celebrities.

Then I would have experienced more of real life that people are talking about

Then I would not be proud of things that someone else did

Then I would not be ashamed of things that someone else did

Then my happiness would not rely on others

Then I wouldn’t be that friendless loser who spent her time fangirling shameful things

Then I wouldn’t be that friendless loser

Then I wouldn’t view myself as a friendless loser

Then I would have more people understanding me

Then I would have more people accepting me

Then I would have various peer group from all walks of life and not be awkward around people

Then I would be more confident

Then my confidence would not rely on my pride

Then I would have more love from others

Then something this trivial wouldn’t be my source of happiness for the past 10 years.

Then something this trivial wouldn’t harm me this much

…………………

Let there be light at the end of this tunnel. Let this tunnel end. Please.

 Well, life update.

The second half of 2024 sucks big time, mainly due to housing and financial issues. It’s pure bad luck to get a shitty landlord. The worst of luck.

Indirectly it affects the effort I can put out for my job application. Which has not been fruitful until now.

I’m doing my best and grabbing the closest opportunity that I can grab to learn and putting my foot in the front door of the new career direction that I’ve meant to take, but I don’t think it’s enough.

I desperately need money, to pay rent, to pay for my apartment back home, to make sure that my parents don’t worry too much.

I’ve cried multiple times due to all of those. The toxic landlord, the financial loss, and rejections from all the job-hunting effort.

Lastly, tonight I cried because not only I had to let go a part of me for more than 10 years, but also because that part of me sucks. By “part of me”, meaning an identity cultivated from a fandom that I’ve been a part of since 2011, a drama that change my life, a song that meant a lot. An intersection of my life’s pride and stability that has revolved around an actor, whose work and presence has been saving my life multiple times. I don’t know what to make of it. This feels like a cherry on top of other happenings in my life. It is disorienting and quite devastating.

If there is a silver lining, or things that I’m still grateful of, it would be my parents, my core family. Their visit on December kept me living life. Kept me going. I wish I have more time with them physically in this world. I wish to finish my quest in London / UK as soon as I can, to be financially healthy again, pay them back, make them happy, and then spend my time with them - maybe through a remote job? If my apartment installment finishes, maybe I could take some months resting from the rent. Maybe?

I still want to change the world, but as I didn’t have any outlook on what that would be like career-wise at the moment, I don’t have any plans or dreams. Long story short, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. But, I feel like time will tell and let me know if the steps that I take in front of me is the right one or not. I feel like I can only keep going. I want the universe to tell me if there’s anything that I should change. And I want to find myself and be happy again… 

Words is the most powerful form of action

 It gets crystallized, articulated clearly, contextualized, felt, conveyed, simple.

My most unpopular opinion would be: "Words speak louder than actions." Someone can always do any action if they have the means to do it. Also, they might consider some actions 'responsibility' or 'requirements' to the roles they perform.

Meanwhile conveying the 'true' words, the sincere ones, require vulnerability and bravery, trust and maturity. Everyone can act if they want (and capable) to, but not everyone can say the words. Words is the most powerful actions you could do, and have

Words stay longer in the hearts, words feeds into someone's emotion, words hurt like no other. Words can be written and crystallized. Words are beautiful.

-April 5th 2024, just published now