Answers

Kemarin abis curhat tentang beberapa pernak-pernik kehidupan bersama Fian dan Ryani. Intinya sih menceritakan new crushnya saya yang kebetulan (mungkin karna lagi pms juga) lari-lari terus di pikiran. Sedikit merangkum, kira-kira ada tiga tema besar dari pembicaraan kemarin.

1. Comfort zone
To go out, to be a little not myself in order to move forward. To be more accepting, to do more action after much thinking. To be more sensitive toward hidden feelings (maybe?), hint, and stuffs. To be honest it's tiring. I know that having more positive outlook toward something may lead to positive results too. However, I also know that it is in my best interest to lay down my expectation, expect negative outcomes, so that I won't be too broken when I fail. When it comes to relationships, there's no definitive guide on how to not fail. Unlike other things in life where I can predict my next move, and prepare for everything that may come on my way. I think I can go for any achievement if I want to, if I have someone whom I wanna please, or if I put my heart to it. Love, meanwhile, is huge achievement, that I can't get with just efforts and hard work, unlike other achievement. I learned it the hard way last year, not just in romantic relationships but also on friendships. Sometimes your hard works are not enough, sometimes your hard works are not what they want, and your hard works are not right for them. And it makes me scared to put so much hard works into someone that may not return it. I mean I was fine with the hard works, but it feels like I'm making a fool out of myself. I'm embarassing myself. And that was not fine. So I built up this comfort zone, with walls made from negative predictions when it comes to relationship. I feel like crying writing this huh

So Fian told me to go outside my comfort zone, be honest with myself and Ryani told me to learn how to properly responds someone's flirting lol. I think I can learn a thing or two about the second suggestion, but... to go outside that comfort zone. Actually with my current crush (lol it feels weird to call him a crush) I think I did go over my comfort zone a little. That freaks me out in the moment, and in the end (unconsciously?) I go back to my safe haven of sad and pathetic girl who don't know love. Will figure my next step tomorrow. My bad face condition right now from today merciless skin care didn't help. I know I want this. So I should try breaking down my comfort zone right? Even if it means making a fool of myself again. Should you prepare yourself for future heartbreak and insecure post? Lol.

2. Why u like someone
In his effort to make me go out from my comfort zone, Fian asked me, why do you want this? Why do you like this certain person? And it occurs to me that I never really thought of that whenever I like someone. One certain thing, I think proximity is one of the main factor why I become fond of someone romantically. When you meet someone everyday and converse fun and deep things, well it doesn't have to be deep but at least one of us should open up our feeling about anything. After proximity, I'd think about my basic standard of men, background, physical appearance, if our personality fits, and if I can rely on him. If the standards meet, then I'll come to like this certain someone. Is this the right way to fall in love? I don't know. They said that you know it when you meet the right one, but when I fall in love each time I always think that he or he are the right one. Which are not. So I don't know if I can't believe that statement anymore.
With this guy, I think we opened up our feelings about work a little late. He did flirt with me at some times, but it didn't occur to me that he did before I talked to it to someone and they confirmed it for me (which will be explained in number 3). My first impression was that he reminds me of my high school crush, with the same US background, same ethnicity, similar accent, and the way both like to ideally pursue their dreams before getting realistic. And I do like his voice, even though maybe because it was similar to my high school crush, and I don't know why I feel guilty to admit it. I like that he was very attentive toward me, even when I didn't realize it (and I'm afraid now I needlessly come to analyze every attention he gives). I came to miss him when we were in different office. I like that he wait for me and come to my desk, maybe only for that two times, but it might mean something. The big game changer actually was my phone call to him when I was having a very bad day at work, because that was the first time I heard about his story and feeling, about work ha. I also like his views on things like future and stuffs because it matched mine lol.

So yeah. I think that's why I might want this, I don't if all those reasons I wrote above (or the ones in my unconscious mind that I didn't write) are right enough for me to make a fooooool of myself. But yeah I think I give it a try.

3. Why u can't stand on your own
The third was about how I need others' affirmation and support, when I actually looks like I can do everything alone. I think, to respond to your statements Fi, this stems from my friendship to Joanna. Throughout my school life, never have I ever get a friendship like that one. I'm not saying that was the best one (or maybe it is) but it shapes me a lot. As her best friend at that time, we talked about almost anything anytime via chats. And man, I do miss that a lot, to these days. She was there everytime, I depend on her a lot on anything. I need and consider her confirmation for anything, and she did that as well to me (and her other close friends). I didn't have anyone to do that previously, and I don't really have on right now. Maybe I took her for granted. The hole that she left, and some friends that left with her too, were so huge. Thank God to HMIK, I barely survived that year she left. I'm doing fine in terms of friendship since the focus shifted on my final project, I found new good, precious support systems, that I'll do anything in my power to keep them and make them happy (you are one of them :p). Yet talking about this opened up a wound that may have stitched neatly, but are not completely dried and healed inside. I think, even though I do get stronger right now and I'm doing better at letting go attachments, I'll continue finding people to stand with me.

Yha begitulah. Beratnya memikirkan ini.
Dengan post ini juga aku berharap semoga anak-anak bimbingan ttt bisa lulus dengan aman, drama dikit gapapa  tapi jangan sampe separah gue. You all deserve happy endings, free from any form of bullying lol

The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore dan Pulang

Old draft: 24 Feb 2017

On my way home on Transjakarta. Today's special includes jobfair with Bay, fun chatting Tiwul, Cakra and Nola, 2nd phase of job interview, and Ovaltine Macchiato from KOI cafe alongside Pho Tai from Pho 24. I don't know why I feel so tired right now. I was happy in the morning and afternoon, and although the job interview drained me out, usually my mood get backs up after I pampered myself with nice food and drink. And I did (pampered) myself well today. But the day stay gloomy and I'm really tired right now. Listening to the random playlist in my phone, and those 2 songs catch my eye with their heartfelt lyrics. Their lyrics remind me of my loss, my loneliness, and the emptiness I felt right now, on my way home.

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching it all fall apart

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Cause I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Cause I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do
It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

Bad dream?

Minggu lalu:

Waking up tired after having a dream where I got chased endlessly and almost killed. I even remember the chaser taxi license plate number.

B 1527 ...

My family dismissed my situation, my friends are nowhere to be found, the only shelter who comforts me and protects me was my boyfriend. My non existent handsome boyfriend whose face is blurry...


Artinya apa??

Cinta ini harus diapain

"Tapi ya susahnya.. ketika rasa sayang dan cinta dari orang diukur secara objektif, nggak ada standar pastinya, setiap orang beda2... jadi punya kecenderungan untuk tidak puas dan tidak sadar kalau diri dicintai banyak orang. Membandingkan bentuk tangible cinta yang diterima dan bingung akan nilainya, apakah cukup, baik atau apa. Merasa kalau diri belum disayang karena tidak begini dan begitu. Padahal mungkin tidak begitu. Jadi tidak bersyukur juga, jadi suka iri, jadi racun buat diri sendiri. Jatuhnya memikirkan apa kesalahan diri ini jadi tidak mendapatkan cinta dari orang sekitar. Jatuhnya jadi tidak cinta sama diri sendiri."

Yang kuketik ke seorang teman di tengah sedikit kegundahan ku malam ini. Aku bingung melihat pasangan-pasangan yang dimabuk cinta di sekitarku akhir-akhir ini. Tuhan bisa saja ya memasang-masangkan orang. Aku bingung juga, aku dibilang baik sama banyak orang, dan disayang sama banyak orang dua hari ini. Caranya berbeda dengan yang dilakukan orang lain. Akupun berbeda dengan orang lain. Diriku kaku, tidak asyik, dan ya biasa saja. Bingung aku mendapatkan buku yang literally penuh cinta untukku ini.

Tambahan beberapan minggu setelahnya:

Waktu itu rasanya seperti tidak ada yang cinta aku. Entahlah sekarang gimana, bersyukur dulu aja lah ya.

2016 and Graduation Thank You Note

I DID IT! I GRADUATE! I PROVE THAT I CAN DO THIS!

I thank God for my amazing family who supported me throughout everything, who unintentionally become my sandsacks whenever things get tough, whom I want to make happy, and whom i feel the most sorry to.
I thank God for Dad, who are very strong, creative, and kind, who sets the benchmark on what guys should be like, who are very understanding.
I thank God for Mom, who are very caring, even stronger than Dad, and who endured a lot to be my mom.
I thank God for Tamara, who are also very caring. I'm sorry to be someone that sets the wrong benchmark that didn't suit you
I might be busier in the future, balancing future career and love life, while maintaining old and new friendships and personal needs. I'll cherish every moments I got and will get to spend with you, I'll do my best to make you happy in every chance I get, though I will always feel sorry that I couldn't give all my time to you. I pray to God that you three will have a long, happy life with me. I love you Dad, Mom, and Tam with all your flaws, very very much, much more than you know, much more that what I showed. Thank you, sorry, and I love you.

I thank God for giving me amazing friends. Yes, I got no peer groups, but as Ryani told me, I should not care too much about it, and as Dara told me, an ESTJ often didn't realize how much people love and care for them. I should be grateful for the love that was already given to me, and cherish it wholly. the following thank you notes are in no particular order, I just love all the people whose name mentioned down below so much. Thank you for coming to my life!

I thank God for the all-around brothers who are very supportive and caring in their own ways. Thank you for being apresiatif dan bermanfaat, banget.

I thank God for Bayu, for being a different, introvert friend who are willing to make more efforts to understand me though it might drain his energy, who appreciates my efforts in understanding him.

I thank God for Kevin, for being a good leader who gave warmth to other people, who are very admirable, who teaches me a lot of things, personally and professionally.

I thank God for HMIK, for the chance given to me by Tika, Kevin, and Bayu, for giving me 69 lovely individuals to care, for teaching me to understand and listen more, for introducing me to 6 new individuals in PSDM. Thank you for having faith in me, even when I don't have one.

I thank God for Murrin, who are very confident, and teaches me to go out from my comfort zones and to be more confident myself.
I thank God for Alda and Ayul, my media studies support system who are also very supportive and understanding, very kind and nice.
I thank God for Ryani, who are very open-minded, who continue to amaze me by her efforts on understanding people, who teaches me to be patient and understanding toward different people.
I thank God for Ana, who teaches me to understand feelings, who accompany me through the fights in nametag tasks and gelmab, and the fights with other friends too haha. Thank you for being such an unique friend.
I thank God for Cicel, who sets the benchmark on what a good support system looks like, whose late-night conversation I will miss, who are a very good, wise, understanding friend.
I thank God for Michelle, as she was very helpful and kind, who accompany me through Kuksa and academic stuffs, for being a sincere, upright friend.
I thank God for Disty, who are very supportive too, who are willing to adjust, and for helping me this past year to be a leader in PSDM.
I thank God for 5 lovely staffs of HRD Bureau in HMIK UI, especially Nola for being so good at work and Tiwul for being Tiwul. Thanks Dayen for being responsible and Ellen for being another ENFP I've come to like. Thank you Nicong for not giving up.
I thank God for Dara for being a fellow ESTJ I've come to love too, for accompanying me this last year in Kamed, guiding me with familiar ESTJ ways.
I thank God for Kak Tian who voluntarily become my mentor in media studies, who are very wise. sincere, nice, and helpful to me.
I thank God for Ichi, who also voluntarily become my mentor through the time we worked together and after that.
I thank God for Comspire, as it will always be my favorite projects in college.
I thank God for Geraldy, who I met in Comspire and then HMIK, for being a good and nice mentee who are very appreciative toward his mentor.
I thank God for Tama, who I met in HMIK, for being so nice and kind, for introducing me to his friends in HMIK.

I cherish you all very much, I can't thank you enough just for being there when I need you the most. Thank you. You all will be great person. I wish you all the best. Thank you.

-- on to the past
I thank God for Joanna, who are willing to be my competition partner and who used to be my closest friend and support system.
I thank God for Gerald and Hari for being Gerald and Hari.
--

I thank God for my high school friends, especially Olin and Wina whom I kept in contact with, and Niki, as he was someone who will always be special.

When you get through your worst day to date, in the future you will look how you can get past though that and gain strength to go to another harder challenges. I've experienced my worst day to date last year, but then I got through it with the help of all the lovely people above. 2016 teaches me that if another worst day were to happen, there will be someone who are there supporting me. Even though I am alone, I will be able to get through it since I was able to go this far for now. There's no other word that can represent 2016 better than Thank you. Thank you for the lessons. I'm not sure if I deserve this much love. Thank you, 2016.

wish me luck

 getting a korean name from a friend I had from ASVF  hehehe teulisiani 트리시아니


i am this close to get my degree, wish me luck


huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu

Failure

I feel like a failure tonight. No matter how much I've tried to be and feel accepted by a certain group, I feel like they just won't accept me. This sounds very ungrateful, especially after gaining lots of friend outside that groups that love me for who I am. I don't know why I want to be accepted that much by this certain group, to be a social butterfly who are accepted by everyone. This obsession makes me feel insecure, and obviously has created a rift between me and those who accepted me for who I am. I ended up having no clear identity about myself, whenever I remember how this certain group looks so fun and popular and I should fit myself into them.

And then my thoughts drift to how I couldn't make it to the final of the last competition I participated in college. How I did not really master a specific skill, and how I did not know where I am heading next. How I might not have a friend to travel together before going to the workplace. How I might never have someone loving me first. How I might not find the one. How I might not be able to succeed because of my mediocre skills of everything. How I didn't have a good network, and didn't have a chance to create one. How my boring and serious personality might tire everyone eventually. How I never improve and be good enough no matter how much I've tried. How in the end I might be a lonely loser who didn't have anyone and couldn't be at the top.