I am actually cool and awesome

 which makes me feel pretty bad to a lot of people... sorry guys

so this comes true.....

it still feels surreal to me.

I mean... how can I?!?! I can't say it out loud because it would be ungrateful, but I didn't really plan this... Initially I don't even want to apply....

I feel sorry to a very good friend who guided me throughout the process but didn't get in... I mean she deserve this too!! God please give her a good scholarship else I'll be very guilty going forward. I want the best for her.

Another person I feel guilty toward was my little sister... if only the initial comparison that people did between me and her is not enough, now that I got this.. it will only get bigger. I hope her self esteem can get stronger so that she won't be so bothered by this..

And man, this beginner's luck was just... idk, I'm speechless. If I recount my experience with this kind of luck, there are some of it in the course of my life

• When I got into the economic Olympiad in high school for lesser effort than a friend who works her ass off...
• When I got into favorite public university without any course or intensive bimbel
• When I win the ad competition..
• Basically any recognition I got in the workplace..
• and this... the scholarship man...

I don't know, because I feel like I don't put much effort , I feel like there are much luck comes to play. (not to say that I am not struggling - I do struggle, but I wonder if my struggle was as heavy as other people). And the fact that I got this much luck made me wonder if

• the failure that life has been saving me from is piled up somewhere someday waiting for me.. GOD I HOPE NOT
• the failure was relegated to any other life's aspect, i.e  love life. which kinda sad - can I have all of it moderately?

I am grateful since I do want to live abroad at least one year, and to be smart and credible. But all these lucks make me scared.

If these are not luck given from God, then am I really that smart? But I do struggle a lot.

I don't know. These are unreal, I feel grateful and anxious. I hope everything goes well in the future. Thanks God.

Hope you can still give me a lot of chances to meet and cherish all my families and friends, all my loved ones, despite all these lucks in the education/career aspect. Amen. Thank you once again, God.