Today, I get a rejection letter from my first attempt at scholarship.
After swearing to myself to never get a master degree after graduating with a trauma on a lecturer, I gave my 80% into this. I suppose that is my best, because despite how I want a master degree, I still want to be mentally healthy considering all the work project pouring into my new role as a manager.
I feel sad and bummed-but-not-so-sad at the same time.
Bummed-not-so-sad, because I expected this when I saw people greater than me, and people who seems to want this more than me, didn't get in. I kinda feel bad when seeing them, because I didn't feel like I deserve it. My best was not enough, and was much less than their less-than-best, I assume. I recognized the flaw in my application, but it is still the best I can do, given my experience and track record until now. So I don't think I can have as much sadness as those who already have the platform to make use of their degree, or those who are much less fortunate than me. But still, I can't help but feel bummed about this.
I feel sad, not solely because of this rejection. I just feel like this rejection is a part of the bigger problem in my life, which is the fact that I am currently stuck when time keeps going.
1. My love life is going nowhere - I don't have anyone to crush on nor ever have someone crush on me, in my whole life. No one ever have a crush on me. I have much improved myself since then, and if I were to measure it on me, I think I am pretty decent to date. I would want to date me. But I have no idea how to crack on this problem when there is just no one around you. Even when you did meet one, the instant attraction just doesn't come. First impression is everything I guess, but I don't know what's wrong with me, or what I did wrong. Even when I am not highly attracted to the men, it's still a bummer when they don't do any effort for me. It is TIRING to keep being the one to make the effort, and I'm burning with envy seeing how everyone around me can do this effortlessly. They might make the effort to maintain the relationship, but they are not alone in starting it. I am tired. I want to be pursued for once. I want to make the effort in maintaining the relationship, I think I am pretty good at it. But there's nothing to maintain when no one would take a chance on me. I don't know what to do.
2. My career has not been going well as the manager. Granted, I am the youngest manager here, which is a credit of its own and something that I sell in my essay. Yet, at this moment, I am stuck. I am not getting any better for what it's worth. I feel like this is my best effort, the smartest of me until now, but I wonder if this is it, that I can't get any smarter than this to fill this shoes. My time management gets worse as I kept avoiding this gaps in my skills, and I don't feel good about it. After being a strong performer in this company, for years, I feel like somehow I need to do more. I can't afford to stay like this, and I'm still making effort to do better. But I don't know, I don't feel satisfied in my growth, and it didn't feel enough. I don't know.
3. Pursuing master study. Granted, this is my first try. I am not squeezing myself dry for this. Yet, I have so much to prove, and I want to get this eventually to prove this. I feel stuck here perhaps just because I don't feel like I have the bandwidth to make more effort here, and although there are so many opportunities left, I am not confident, just seeing everyone much better than me in their preparation, and seeing how cool and awesome everyone who currently took the master degree is (though they might be struggling on the inside). This is pretty small issues though compared to the other, considering it is more tangible, and how I have more opportunities in the future. But still, this rejection just emphasized how I am stuck, in my life right now.
4. This feeling is also amplified by how I am seeing all my friends moving forward, making commitments, falling in love, going abroad, and more. Everyone is moving forward except me. I don't know what to do. I dreamed to do an aspirational roadtrip by myself - but as my plans get shifted, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. I don't know what to do.
I realize that when you're stuck, you need to try to wiggle out your way to not be stuck anymore. I can do that for problem number 2 and 3, though time will tell if I will ever be enough for that. But for problem number 1, I don't know, man. This is all so hard. I hoped that at least with my love life going nowhere, I'll be better in another life aspects. But this time, even I fail (/moving tooooooo slowly to solve) the tangible ones. I am trying my best to give it up to God, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I will have to give it up to God. Because I'm really stuck, and I don't know what to do.
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