Sometimes

 Sometimes, I feel like the time when I will finally receive the most love, the validation and the appreciation that I crave, is the day I die. The day when everything will be reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if people regret doing/not doing things to me when I am alive. I always have the same regret toward people, but I don't know if that's reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will get the apologies I deserved when I die. The love I deserve. The recognition I deserve.

However, no matter how much love and regret there was, I don't think that feeling will last that long. It will just like one-time thingy which perhaps can be forgettable as people easily move on. If it really comes through when I die, it sucks because I can't even be there to receive it.

I'm not even sure if that love and regret is there in the first place.

It's so unfair, when others can easily get love and take it for granted or throw it away like it's nothing.

Perhaps my existence was not meant to be reciprocated.

*I love my life too much that I want to get all those love, regrets, and apologies when I'm still alive. I want to feel reciprocated and appreciated for a long, long time, in this life. I want my families and friends, and people whom I attracted romantically, to reciprocate my existence. God, I desperately hope for your help here. Because I am just not enough, and I don't know how to make me enough.