Sometimes

 Sometimes, I feel like the time when I will finally receive the most love, the validation and the appreciation that I crave, is the day I die. The day when everything will be reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if people regret doing/not doing things to me when I am alive. I always have the same regret toward people, but I don't know if that's reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will get the apologies I deserved when I die. The love I deserve. The recognition I deserve.

However, no matter how much love and regret there was, I don't think that feeling will last that long. It will just like one-time thingy which perhaps can be forgettable as people easily move on. If it really comes through when I die, it sucks because I can't even be there to receive it.

I'm not even sure if that love and regret is there in the first place.

It's so unfair, when others can easily get love and take it for granted or throw it away like it's nothing.

Perhaps my existence was not meant to be reciprocated.

*I love my life too much that I want to get all those love, regrets, and apologies when I'm still alive. I want to feel reciprocated and appreciated for a long, long time, in this life. I want my families and friends, and people whom I attracted romantically, to reciprocate my existence. God, I desperately hope for your help here. Because I am just not enough, and I don't know how to make me enough.

Kamu, yang ingin ku mengerti.

aku tidak mengerti harus kemana

aku mengerti kamu, aku mengerti mereka juga.

mereka memang jahat, tapi kamu memang kurang dewasa.

mereka seharusnya membantu kamu, tapi aku (agak) maklum kenapa mereka gak membantu kamu

tapi

aku sayang kamu. aku lebih mengerti kamu.

mereka dingin. jahat, seharusnya nggak begitu.

aku marah. aku mau kamu bahagia.

yang seharusnya membantu, siapa lagi kalau bukan mereka.

mereka yang sudah mengenalmu lebih lama dari aku (bahkan sebelum aku lahir)

mereka yang punya ikatan darah sama kamu (aku juga punya sih)

mereka yang seharusnya menjadi sandaranmu ketika kamu butuh

mereka seharusnya mengerti kamu

apa susahnya membantu sedikit saja, tidak menuruti aturan sedikit saja

apa susahnya mengerti sedikit saja, apa susahnya

demi saudara

jika masih dianggap saudara.

butakah mereka

kamu lagi butuh loh

kamu mungkin kurang dewasa

tapi sekali ini aja, tidak salah kan membantu kamu

toh dengan tidak membantu kamu tidak akan membuatmu jadi dewasa

geregetan

benci

sedih

sedih

mungkin aku bilang gini karena aku sayang kamu

mungkin tidak juga, karena logikanya memang begitu.

mungkin juga, logika yang ku anggap seharusnya begitu salah

mungkin salah, karena aku sayang kamu.

tidak usah pedulikan mereka, hidup jalan terus, aku mau kamu bahagia.

About being sad and selfish.

I am sad because of them.
They didn't do anything though, so why did I not like them being happy?
Because I think that they were being selfish.

Because sad people (like me) sometimes think that happy people are selfish.

Because sad people are tired.

They were tired of being selfless in the past, so they wish they were selfish.

I am sad.

I am tired.

I wish I were selfish.

I want to be selfish.

Ans as I wrote this, I think I am selfish.