Sometimes

 Sometimes, I feel like the time when I will finally receive the most love, the validation and the appreciation that I crave, is the day I die. The day when everything will be reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if people regret doing/not doing things to me when I am alive. I always have the same regret toward people, but I don't know if that's reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will get the apologies I deserved when I die. The love I deserve. The recognition I deserve.

However, no matter how much love and regret there was, I don't think that feeling will last that long. It will just like one-time thingy which perhaps can be forgettable as people easily move on. If it really comes through when I die, it sucks because I can't even be there to receive it.

I'm not even sure if that love and regret is there in the first place.

It's so unfair, when others can easily get love and take it for granted or throw it away like it's nothing.

Perhaps my existence was not meant to be reciprocated.

*I love my life too much that I want to get all those love, regrets, and apologies when I'm still alive. I want to feel reciprocated and appreciated for a long, long time, in this life. I want my families and friends, and people whom I attracted romantically, to reciprocate my existence. God, I desperately hope for your help here. Because I am just not enough, and I don't know how to make me enough.

well

Right after I post my rant about how to 'just do it', I found something that has been long saved on my draft


The present is good enough, you can't re-create past since everything has changed. It's dangerous to go back there, because you may find yourself being your past self, and it might erased what you've built so far. Don't waste your time to someone who doesn't appreciate it, you have more important things to do.


This thought makes me think about something else. I don't think this answer my previous rant though.

Can I move on to a new friendship or relationship without feeling broken inside whenever I see my old friends?
Can I move on to a  new friendship or relationship without feeling inferior whenever I see her being happier than me?

My head hurts thinking about this hw i wanna curse you for being too complicated trysh

how to 'just do it'

'just do it' is to be comfortable with offending and disappointing people in the quest of being true to myself

when the risk are too big for you too handle
when you're arguing inside of your head to make sure if it's the right thing to do
when you risk losing the people you love
when you risk losing their trust (maybe you have lost their trust though)
when you already lost their trust, their love, their attention
when you can't figure out how to gain those back
when you think you have fixed yourself, but the fact is you haven't
when you have fixed yourself, but they just didn't know how far you've changed because they don't know you long enough
when you can't even tell them you miss them
when you have new relationships that you have to invest to
when there are lots of other people who love and care about you
when you know that your relationship won't be the same after that

but you want them back
but you suffer when they're gone
but you used to have them as your core support system
but you miss them so much
but you have so many plans to do with them (we are supposed to go swimming in our next holiday, remember?)
but you want them to be your best friend for life
but you have gone so far, done a lot, to have them as your best friends
but you're proud to have them as your best friends
but you cherished them a lot, and they used to cherish you too (it's not one-sided)
but you have to just do it


nah, actually, what kind of change do you want? everyone is changing though, do you really want to go back? isn't it too greedy to have it all? their grass will always look greener though.... i thought you said you were grateful though? what exactly do you need, trysh?


is it wrong to feel frustated at yourself?...

Belajar Memperbaiki Diri

Satu post lagi di tengah UAS.

Terlepas dari segala kebaikan yang kudapat, ada beberapa hal yang membuatku sedih.

Aku kehilangan seorang teman. Menurutku kita berdua sama-sama salah. Tapi aku merasa tidak bisa memperbaiki hubungannya sendiri, dan dia juga tidak  ada intensi untuk memperbaikinya.

Hubunganku dengan dua teman baikku sejak mahasiswa baru pun jadi renggang karena pertengkaranku dengan dia. Masih baik-baik saja, tetapi jauh karena beda peminatan.

Aku masih ingin menjaga dua teman baikku ini. Berbagai evaluasi pun mereka keluarkan. Aku jadi sadar akan salah satu kelemahanku, tidak peka.

Hm. 1 PR. Harus kukerjakan.

Pencarian jati diri, abis dari sini mau jadi apa. Sudah mau lulus, belum dapat magang, dan belum punya peer group.

Temanku yang hilang itu sangatlah hebat. Saking hebatnya membuatku minder, bahkan sejak kita masih bersahabat. Ketika bersahabat pikiran-pikiran minder ini selalu ku kesampingkan. Namun ketika sekarang sudah jauh, melihat hidupnya yang dikelilingi banyak orang yang ingin ku dekati, prestasinya yang tak habis-habis, membuatku minder lagi.

Solusinya ya aku harus percaya diri, menemukan USP diri sendiri, dan kembali lagi bersyukur. Ingat hal-hal yang kutulis di post sebelumnya.

Apakah ketidakpunyaan ku atas suatu peer group sepenting itu ketika banyak orang yang sayang dan peduli denganku?

Kesuksesan diriku seharusnya tidak bergantung pada dia kan. Aku harus melakukan hal yang memang baik buatku, tidak hanya sebatas untuk memberi makan ego.

Ini dia PR yang paling sulit.

Bagaimana ya mengukur perbaikan diri yang akan ku lakukan?
Takutnya selama ini aku tenggelam dalam ilusi kalau aku berubah, tetapi kenyataannya aku masih jalan di tempat.

Belajar Bersyukur

Menulis ini di tengah-tengah UAS. Kayak bahkan lupa masih punya blog.

Banyak berubah di satu tahun. Banyak kejadian bahagia. Banyak kejadian menyedihkan.

Aku mendapatkan teman baru, sahabat baru, keluarga baru, pelajaran baru, dari tempat baru.

Aku dapat prestasi baru, aku dapat ke negara favoritku.

Tiga keinginanku semasa menjadi mahasiswa baru sudah tercapai. Keinginan untuk dipajang di stasiun, keinginan untuk masuk organisasi jurusan, dan keinginan untuk dapat medali atletik untuk nomor sendiri.

Aku sudah mulai terbiasa dengan peminatan baruku. Paling tidak sudah bisa menahan diri untuk mengeluh dan meminta bantuan ke senior.

Aku senang.

Kamu, yang ingin ku mengerti.

aku tidak mengerti harus kemana

aku mengerti kamu, aku mengerti mereka juga.

mereka memang jahat, tapi kamu memang kurang dewasa.

mereka seharusnya membantu kamu, tapi aku (agak) maklum kenapa mereka gak membantu kamu

tapi

aku sayang kamu. aku lebih mengerti kamu.

mereka dingin. jahat, seharusnya nggak begitu.

aku marah. aku mau kamu bahagia.

yang seharusnya membantu, siapa lagi kalau bukan mereka.

mereka yang sudah mengenalmu lebih lama dari aku (bahkan sebelum aku lahir)

mereka yang punya ikatan darah sama kamu (aku juga punya sih)

mereka yang seharusnya menjadi sandaranmu ketika kamu butuh

mereka seharusnya mengerti kamu

apa susahnya membantu sedikit saja, tidak menuruti aturan sedikit saja

apa susahnya mengerti sedikit saja, apa susahnya

demi saudara

jika masih dianggap saudara.

butakah mereka

kamu lagi butuh loh

kamu mungkin kurang dewasa

tapi sekali ini aja, tidak salah kan membantu kamu

toh dengan tidak membantu kamu tidak akan membuatmu jadi dewasa

geregetan

benci

sedih

sedih

mungkin aku bilang gini karena aku sayang kamu

mungkin tidak juga, karena logikanya memang begitu.

mungkin juga, logika yang ku anggap seharusnya begitu salah

mungkin salah, karena aku sayang kamu.

tidak usah pedulikan mereka, hidup jalan terus, aku mau kamu bahagia.

About being sad and selfish.

I am sad because of them.
They didn't do anything though, so why did I not like them being happy?
Because I think that they were being selfish.

Because sad people (like me) sometimes think that happy people are selfish.

Because sad people are tired.

They were tired of being selfless in the past, so they wish they were selfish.

I am sad.

I am tired.

I wish I were selfish.

I want to be selfish.

Ans as I wrote this, I think I am selfish.