Failure

I feel like a failure tonight. No matter how much I've tried to be and feel accepted by a certain group, I feel like they just won't accept me. This sounds very ungrateful, especially after gaining lots of friend outside that groups that love me for who I am. I don't know why I want to be accepted that much by this certain group, to be a social butterfly who are accepted by everyone. This obsession makes me feel insecure, and obviously has created a rift between me and those who accepted me for who I am. I ended up having no clear identity about myself, whenever I remember how this certain group looks so fun and popular and I should fit myself into them.

And then my thoughts drift to how I couldn't make it to the final of the last competition I participated in college. How I did not really master a specific skill, and how I did not know where I am heading next. How I might not have a friend to travel together before going to the workplace. How I might never have someone loving me first. How I might not find the one. How I might not be able to succeed because of my mediocre skills of everything. How I didn't have a good network, and didn't have a chance to create one. How my boring and serious personality might tire everyone eventually. How I never improve and be good enough no matter how much I've tried. How in the end I might be a lonely loser who didn't have anyone and couldn't be at the top.

New temporary crush

Hey.

I have to admit that you are cute. You are tall, smart, funny, and kinda wise. I admire how you mingle with others. I admire all your talents. I admire your down-to-earth attitude. Though we have same backgrounds, the way we do things are so different. I know that you can't offer me what I need, such as assurance abt my future, career and serious moral supports, and other stuffs that I have to deal since I'm about to graduate. I can be wrong though, since we are not that close (yet?). You may not find my boring personality, monochrome mind and life interesting. You may also find that my looks are mediocre. I may not be your type, and you may be not the right person for me.


However, these days, I find myself looking for you and wanting to meet you. I find myself showing my best side to you. I find myself happy talking to you or talking about you. There's this affection that was reflected in the way I talk abt a few people I fond of, and I guess it's reflected when I talk about you. I am attracted to you.

For now, I think there's no way that we are compatible with each other. You are not the type that can be approached first by a girl. I'm not sure too, that this relationship might work if I put some efforts. I'm about to graduate and leave this place too. Maybe this is just me feeling lonely. Ifyou happen to read this, I just want you to know how attractive you are to me. I am writing this because it's 2am and I need a place to release this thought that has bothered me for the past few weeks.

Thank you notes. Impulsive 5am thoughts

Mau shout out buat teman-teman baik yang sangat memberikan gue dukungan moral di kala sulit ini tapi ini jam 5 pagi dan gue belom tidur dari kemaren. Dan besok gue kelas pagi. Jadi gue akan menulis nama dan mungkin keywordnya saja dulu kali ya.

The thing is, right now i just love you guys so much and feel very grateful at your very presence in my life

Thank you

Bay, for the phone calls, for your ears that listens well to my rant, for the ride home, for the words of encouragement and quotes when I hadn't get my internship, for being supportive and kind and (sometimes) annoying, for the garing laughs, for being an introvert who i could relate and understand
Mur, for the fun, for the mind-blowing and thought-provoking talks, for the kind gestures, for appreciating our differences, for being supportive to my ambitions, for the love and attachment advices, for the wifi, for the informations, and for the confidence booster.
Kev, for the laughs, for the talks, for you to open up and tell me your stories, for the practical and useful advices, for the words of encouragement, for the quantitative research perks you teach, for being supportive and friendly, for the inspiration, and for being so positive.

I hope and believe that even though i fail, these days you guys might be the one who are able to pick me up from the slump. Well, i hope i won't fail. For all the supports everyone gave, let's pray that luck is on my side, and my plans are approved by the universe and God.

BISA (?) (!)

KALO GUE BISA LULUS 3,5 TAHUN, BERARTI GUE SUKSES MENGATUR WAKTU DENGAN BAIK UNTUK KEWARASAN DAN KESEHATAN DIRI, PERTEMANAN, ORGANISASI, DAN PRESTASI AKADEMIS.

Crap

I feel like crap

I feel like all my effort to be affectionate were wasted since it looks insincere and it were delivered poorly.

I feel constantly guilty about things i did to my friends and i'm afraid that i hurt them unintentionally. But i'm also afraid that if i ask if i make them mad or say sorry over and over again it will annoy them. In fact i'm not sure about what is right and what is wrong.

I feel insecure and sucks when no one replied me on group chats, and if my best friends didn't think of me as their best friend.

I am insecure that I am such a boring person, who only complains and worries too much. I am afraid that my friends get bored whenever I talked to them.

I feel like embracing myself only got me into this feeling of loneliness, where relationships are there because of the business I did, not because of the connection or understanding I did.

I feel like I have listened enough, but then in reality I still can't hear voices and I still miss others' standpoints and opinions.

I feel like I've done my best repairing myself, but then it isn't good enough to have faith and be confidence with myself. And it might not be enough to make my friends happy.

Don't worry my dear - Lee Juck

One of my favorite drama's ost has a beautiful lyrics. Here's how it goes.

My dear, don’t worry about anything
Let’s sing together
Bury all the painful memories
Deep inside your heart

All things past is in the past
They all have a meaning
Sing to the one who left
Say that you loved without regrets

You went through so many difficult things
You lost that newness
All of the hardships
Brush them all off

All things past is in the past
They all have a meaning
Let’s all sing together
Say that you dreamed without regrets

All things past is in the past
They all have a meaning
Let’s all sing together
Say that you dreamed without regrets

All things past is in the past
They all have a meaning
Let’s all sing together
Say that you dreamed without regrets
Say that you will dream a new dream

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CE7TagZJYoA

Sudah ambil risiko.

Sudah melakukan self-disclosure dan sudah true to myself dengan dua teman yang hubungannya renggang di post sebelumnya.

Jadi begini rasanya terbuka dan come clean, mengkonfrontasi masalah di depan mata. Manis, tapi pahitnya juga ada dan cukup banyak. Mungkin karena kebetulan mencicip pahitnya di akhir kali ya, dan rasa pahi lebih dominan daripada manis.

Aku bersyukur sudah mengambil risiko itu pada teman pertama. Dilakukan pada momen yang tepat, dan diterima dengan baik. Faktanya teman pertama ini membantuku untuk lebih kuat menghadapi risiko buruk yang didapat dari teman kedua.

Aku juga bersyukur sudah mengambil risiko itu pada teman kedua. Akan tetapi, akhir dari yang kedua ini tidak sesenang yang pertama. Kita sedang dalam suatu proyek yang harus diselesaikan dalam setahun, dan ini sudah mendekati akhir. Caraku bekerja dan cara dia berbeda, dan itu menyakiti hatinya. Tidak aku doang sih, beberapa teman lain yang sebenarnya juga menyakiti hatinya dengan cara kerjanya. Ia berkata tidak bisa berteman lagi seperti dulu selama masih bekerja bersama.

Tentunya aku sedih, malam itu aku menangis habis sambil menelepon teman pertama. Aku juga menelepon support system ku dari organisasi tempat aku bekerja dengan teman kedua. Yang membuatku sedih adalah, mengingat ini tahun terakhirku kuliah, aku takut tidak ada lagi kesempatan untuk memperbaiki hubungan ke depannya. Takutnya berakhir seperti masa2 SMA SMP dan SD. Aku mau meninggalkan jejak, dan punya teman2 baik yang selalu bisa kuandalkan. Kerengganganku dengan teman kedua membuka mataku akan hal hal baru yang tidak masuk akal. Akan tetapi, jika dicoba dimasukkan akal, konflik yang terjadi akan semakin besar dan dia terluka. Jujur masih bingung harus apa. Semoga saya baik2 saja ya, melakukan investasi untuk hubungan2 baru secara terbuka dan mendalam yang di luar zona nyaman saya.

well

Right after I post my rant about how to 'just do it', I found something that has been long saved on my draft


The present is good enough, you can't re-create past since everything has changed. It's dangerous to go back there, because you may find yourself being your past self, and it might erased what you've built so far. Don't waste your time to someone who doesn't appreciate it, you have more important things to do.


This thought makes me think about something else. I don't think this answer my previous rant though.

Can I move on to a new friendship or relationship without feeling broken inside whenever I see my old friends?
Can I move on to a  new friendship or relationship without feeling inferior whenever I see her being happier than me?

My head hurts thinking about this hw i wanna curse you for being too complicated trysh

how to 'just do it'

'just do it' is to be comfortable with offending and disappointing people in the quest of being true to myself

when the risk are too big for you too handle
when you're arguing inside of your head to make sure if it's the right thing to do
when you risk losing the people you love
when you risk losing their trust (maybe you have lost their trust though)
when you already lost their trust, their love, their attention
when you can't figure out how to gain those back
when you think you have fixed yourself, but the fact is you haven't
when you have fixed yourself, but they just didn't know how far you've changed because they don't know you long enough
when you can't even tell them you miss them
when you have new relationships that you have to invest to
when there are lots of other people who love and care about you
when you know that your relationship won't be the same after that

but you want them back
but you suffer when they're gone
but you used to have them as your core support system
but you miss them so much
but you have so many plans to do with them (we are supposed to go swimming in our next holiday, remember?)
but you want them to be your best friend for life
but you have gone so far, done a lot, to have them as your best friends
but you're proud to have them as your best friends
but you cherished them a lot, and they used to cherish you too (it's not one-sided)
but you have to just do it


nah, actually, what kind of change do you want? everyone is changing though, do you really want to go back? isn't it too greedy to have it all? their grass will always look greener though.... i thought you said you were grateful though? what exactly do you need, trysh?


is it wrong to feel frustated at yourself?...

Sebelum badai menerjang

Berusaha yang terbaik membagi waktu untuk kesenangan diri sendiri dan orang-orang tersayang, tugas karya akhir dan organisasi untuk kuliah di masa sekarang, dan magang untuk persiapan masa depan.

SEMANGAT YA TRYSH :)

You deserve a pat in the head and an embrace, telling you that everything will be alright and you did a good job! You did well, and you will do just fine. You did it. You've passed the hardest part on your life so far, you have survived well, and will continue to do well in the future. Life will be harder, but you will be stronger and happier. You should be stronger and happier, on your own.

Reach out for helps when you need them, find someone who cares, there's a lot of them. Understand that people have their ways to express love. It might not be what you expected, but it might be better for you.

I wish I could pat you in the head and shoulder. I wish I could understand you and make you happy. I wish I could help you. I wish I could remind you not to make mistakes and procrastinate.


I need someone who tell me everything is going to be okay and help me fix my mistakes. I don't want to be alone.

Belajar Memperbaiki Diri

Satu post lagi di tengah UAS.

Terlepas dari segala kebaikan yang kudapat, ada beberapa hal yang membuatku sedih.

Aku kehilangan seorang teman. Menurutku kita berdua sama-sama salah. Tapi aku merasa tidak bisa memperbaiki hubungannya sendiri, dan dia juga tidak  ada intensi untuk memperbaikinya.

Hubunganku dengan dua teman baikku sejak mahasiswa baru pun jadi renggang karena pertengkaranku dengan dia. Masih baik-baik saja, tetapi jauh karena beda peminatan.

Aku masih ingin menjaga dua teman baikku ini. Berbagai evaluasi pun mereka keluarkan. Aku jadi sadar akan salah satu kelemahanku, tidak peka.

Hm. 1 PR. Harus kukerjakan.

Pencarian jati diri, abis dari sini mau jadi apa. Sudah mau lulus, belum dapat magang, dan belum punya peer group.

Temanku yang hilang itu sangatlah hebat. Saking hebatnya membuatku minder, bahkan sejak kita masih bersahabat. Ketika bersahabat pikiran-pikiran minder ini selalu ku kesampingkan. Namun ketika sekarang sudah jauh, melihat hidupnya yang dikelilingi banyak orang yang ingin ku dekati, prestasinya yang tak habis-habis, membuatku minder lagi.

Solusinya ya aku harus percaya diri, menemukan USP diri sendiri, dan kembali lagi bersyukur. Ingat hal-hal yang kutulis di post sebelumnya.

Apakah ketidakpunyaan ku atas suatu peer group sepenting itu ketika banyak orang yang sayang dan peduli denganku?

Kesuksesan diriku seharusnya tidak bergantung pada dia kan. Aku harus melakukan hal yang memang baik buatku, tidak hanya sebatas untuk memberi makan ego.

Ini dia PR yang paling sulit.

Bagaimana ya mengukur perbaikan diri yang akan ku lakukan?
Takutnya selama ini aku tenggelam dalam ilusi kalau aku berubah, tetapi kenyataannya aku masih jalan di tempat.

Belajar Bersyukur

Menulis ini di tengah-tengah UAS. Kayak bahkan lupa masih punya blog.

Banyak berubah di satu tahun. Banyak kejadian bahagia. Banyak kejadian menyedihkan.

Aku mendapatkan teman baru, sahabat baru, keluarga baru, pelajaran baru, dari tempat baru.

Aku dapat prestasi baru, aku dapat ke negara favoritku.

Tiga keinginanku semasa menjadi mahasiswa baru sudah tercapai. Keinginan untuk dipajang di stasiun, keinginan untuk masuk organisasi jurusan, dan keinginan untuk dapat medali atletik untuk nomor sendiri.

Aku sudah mulai terbiasa dengan peminatan baruku. Paling tidak sudah bisa menahan diri untuk mengeluh dan meminta bantuan ke senior.

Aku senang.