Manifesting a life experience/scenario

 This one

Terus gue keinget... kenapa kalau manifesting gini ga pernah soal jodoh ya??? Padahal kan bisa terwujud

Ada deng di list ideal itu wkwk tapi beda

Manifesting juga supportive life partner yang physically lebih TINGGI (kalau bisa jauh) dan goodlooking, pinter/well educated tapi open minded dan passionate in everything he do. AMIIIINNNNNNNNN

Hoping to close this year with a good bang, as a better, cooler person!!!

Semoga trip ke Bali dan outstation2 lainnya baik2 saja!! Ortu dedek juga sehat2!! Amiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!! Love, me

There is no way...

 There is no way someone, woman, could have their self esteem intact when they have never been pursued first by all the men she likes.. after living in this world where everything gets romanticized in the media, where other women get wooed and pursued by the men, where the women job is to wait.

When her crushes all settled with cute and pretty women that just not her...

To be honest.. this looks bleak

 Seeing how there is definitely some sort of generational trauma that I have, financial needs, and personal/professional aspiration, I feel that it is extremely difficult and challenging for me to ever have a good romantic relationship and even get married.. Must admit that I'm not feeling optimistic right now and really can't imagine how I could ever find someone to fall for or to have someone fall for me.. and to have a bond so strong that we are willing to commit forever.. and to have the financial means to support adequate lifestyle cost and to raise other beings...

I just don't know man.. I would want a companion, but I don't see any possibility even for me to open up to new people in this space.. So I'm being realistic and setting expectation.. and living life vicariously through medias I consume.

I don't know what to pray for myself for now. God I hope I can find what exactly is I am looking for somehow, whatever it is

I am actually cool and awesome

 which makes me feel pretty bad to a lot of people... sorry guys

so this comes true.....

it still feels surreal to me.

I mean... how can I?!?! I can't say it out loud because it would be ungrateful, but I didn't really plan this... Initially I don't even want to apply....

I feel sorry to a very good friend who guided me throughout the process but didn't get in... I mean she deserve this too!! God please give her a good scholarship else I'll be very guilty going forward. I want the best for her.

Another person I feel guilty toward was my little sister... if only the initial comparison that people did between me and her is not enough, now that I got this.. it will only get bigger. I hope her self esteem can get stronger so that she won't be so bothered by this..

And man, this beginner's luck was just... idk, I'm speechless. If I recount my experience with this kind of luck, there are some of it in the course of my life

• When I got into the economic Olympiad in high school for lesser effort than a friend who works her ass off...
• When I got into favorite public university without any course or intensive bimbel
• When I win the ad competition..
• Basically any recognition I got in the workplace..
• and this... the scholarship man...

I don't know, because I feel like I don't put much effort , I feel like there are much luck comes to play. (not to say that I am not struggling - I do struggle, but I wonder if my struggle was as heavy as other people). And the fact that I got this much luck made me wonder if

• the failure that life has been saving me from is piled up somewhere someday waiting for me.. GOD I HOPE NOT
• the failure was relegated to any other life's aspect, i.e  love life. which kinda sad - can I have all of it moderately?

I am grateful since I do want to live abroad at least one year, and to be smart and credible. But all these lucks make me scared.

If these are not luck given from God, then am I really that smart? But I do struggle a lot.

I don't know. These are unreal, I feel grateful and anxious. I hope everything goes well in the future. Thanks God.

Hope you can still give me a lot of chances to meet and cherish all my families and friends, all my loved ones, despite all these lucks in the education/career aspect. Amen. Thank you once again, God.

8 june

 Tonight is pretty sucks

I mean, the looming deadline is right there.

My insecurity peaked through since I met the very kakak who I am incredibly jealous of, again.

Shining lights to my very insecure self

How someone who seems very distance every time I interact with her, even when I know her since high school, just got beaten up like that by she who is a stranger.

I was reminded about how my crush was 'stolen' just like that. Which is sucks.

And then I check the Instagram of the wife of my another past crush.

Her profile picture used to be two of them in Paris, but now it's only her prettily with the backdrop of Eiffel.

Again, reminds me how maybe he and I were never meant to be. Which is sucks, because I would like to blame it on timings or whatever, not on our personalities.

I hope things change, but I felt like I was destined to be alone and never romantically loved by man.

God, I hope this is really not the case in the future, please?

Bisa (?) (!) (?!)

 If I can get this scholarship type in my first try, and go to UK by this year or next year (2023), that would be super cool and awesome

Manifesting a partner to God

 Dear God

I do hope my partner have these traits in the future - will update or revise it gradually

Bold character = must have

1. Understand my quirks
2. Can (and make efforts) deeply connects with me. I don't want the understanding and connection to be one-sided
3. Pursue me. I don't want to be the pursuer anymore.
4. Someone who I can spontaneously ask to go on adventure or to try new things, many things that I want to try in life. Whether or not they like them, they are willing to give it a try because I like it (vice versa)
5. Would be great if we can share hobbies and interests. 
6. Taller than me
7. Good looking
8. Strong (physically, mentally, emotionally)
9. A good hugger.
10. Someone who can smoothly place himself in any social situation (mediator between me and my family)
11. Loves love and loves people as much as I do, and perhaps love their work as well
12. Professional in their work - have purpose in what they are working on
13. Someone who can work together with me. We should respect and understand each other school of thoughts.
14. Wants to try or watch what I recommend
15. Aware and open about mental health - not scared and willingly go to therapy
16. Financially stable and honest
17. Saves money but still lives in the moment
18. Can be impulsive but also think strategically
19. Not a fanatic in their religion, but spiritually mature
20. Tolerant and have the same acceptance to multitude of cultural differences around us (with different race, religion, sexual orientation, and many more)
21. Open to flexible gender roles in household - if needed for my career and I can support the family, he should be willing to be the homemaker and vice versa.
22. Don't let me take the burden of parenting and homemaking alone.
23. Thinks I'm beautiful
24. Can drive a car and drive me home
25. Do sports
26. Proud of me
27. A warm person
28. Are not afraid of phone calls
29. Not avoidant of their feelings
30. Willing to finish any fights/mishaps/debates in maximum 2 days
31. Likes doing charity
32. Has empathy and sensitivity (peka) for others
33. Challenge each other to be better person
34. Likes to watch performing arts
35. Identify and understand grey areas in social matters
36. Has good education
37. Can accompany me working/staying up late in the night, but not too late that it's unhealthy
38. Likes living in the city
39. Happily takes public transport when needed
40. Didn't tolerate jokes that goes too far for the sake of comedy
41. Like dogs
42. Someone I'm already familiar with
43. Have a good social life, can blend in to various lifestyle
44. Come from a multicultural background
45. Have nice parents who don't meddle into our life
46. Understand my concerns about the world and somehow become my solace to focus on the present (I'm trying to do it by myself still - but you know sometimes a person can calm you down)
47. Want to watch all three HSM with me (and hopefully like it and its songs too!)

I don't want to feel lonely anymore

 Tuhan, aku pengen banget hidup, tapi aku capek juga hidup........................... susah banget Tuhan rasanya hidup............ aku sayang sama keluargaku........ tapi kesel juga......................... aku takut kehilangan tapi capek juga Tuhan.......

jangan ambil mereka dari aku ya di dunia nyata fisik ini.. tapi ya aku pribadi bingung harus apa ya supaya ga capek........................................

berharap punya pegangan pasangan, tapi gimana Tuhan kalau sama keluarga begini...................................... gimana ya Tuhan............. aku sayang mereka tapi aku sedih...............

God exists?

 I was feeling fairly desperate when I wrote my last post - basically just feeling stuck and didn't know what to do??

When I finished writing the last post, I feel that I really need to talk to someone about this, because I just don't know what to do.

Friend 1 had reach out to me earlier but I didn't reply out of fear that she would now be available. I know she would be able to understand my feeling, so I decided to ask her if she's currently in the capacity to tend to me.

Reached out to my distant ex-crush - though I don't talk to him often anymore, but I thought he is someone I could talk to about this matter. He didn't get back.

Then, Friend 1 replied to me and willingly guide me through this.

Then, Friend 2 suddenly reach out! Out of nowhere. Someone who have been very reliable but unavailable at the same time, who always come when I was not at my best. Which is sucks, because I want to be a fun friend for him.

Then I proceed to a very healing conversation with both of them. Can't express how grateful I am for them, for bringing me out of the rabbit hole while letting me grief. God actually hear my desperate plea for the right people to confide. This doesn't happen often, but still, I thank you, God.

I truly wish I could give it up to you more willingly and trust my life with Your plan. I hope I can. Give me strength and kindly provide the very best life for my amazing friends, God. And many other people that I love. Thank you God. Thank you.

This is not an isolated case.

 Today, I get a rejection letter from my first attempt at scholarship.

After swearing to myself to never get a master degree after graduating with a trauma on a lecturer, I gave my 80% into this. I suppose that is my best, because despite how I want a master degree, I still want to be mentally healthy considering all the work project pouring into my new role as a manager.

I feel sad and bummed-but-not-so-sad at the same time.

Bummed-not-so-sad, because I expected this when I saw people greater than me, and people who seems to want this more than me, didn't get in. I kinda feel bad when seeing them, because I didn't feel like I deserve it. My best was not enough, and was much less than their less-than-best, I assume. I recognized the flaw in my application, but it is still the best I can do, given my experience and track record until now. So I don't think I can have as much sadness as those who already have the platform to make use of their degree, or those who are much less fortunate than me. But still, I can't help but feel bummed about this.

I feel sad, not solely because of this rejection. I just feel like this rejection is a part of the bigger problem in my life, which is the fact that I am currently stuck when time keeps going.

1. My love life is going nowhere - I don't have anyone to crush on nor ever have someone crush on me, in my whole life. No one ever have a crush on me. I have much improved myself since then, and if I were to measure it on me, I think I am pretty decent to date. I would want to date me. But I have no idea how to crack on this problem when there is just no one around you. Even when you did meet one, the instant attraction just doesn't come. First impression is everything I guess, but I don't know what's wrong with me, or what I did wrong. Even when I am not highly attracted to the men, it's still a bummer when they don't do any effort for me. It is TIRING to keep being the one to make the effort, and I'm burning with envy seeing how everyone around me can do this effortlessly. They might make the effort to maintain the relationship, but they are not alone in starting it. I am tired. I want to be pursued for once. I want to make the effort in maintaining the relationship, I think I am pretty good at it. But there's nothing to maintain when no one would take a chance on me. I don't know what to do.

2. My career has not been going well as the manager. Granted, I am the youngest manager here, which is a credit of its own and something that I sell in my essay. Yet, at this moment, I am stuck. I am not getting any better for what it's worth. I feel like this is my best effort, the smartest of me until now, but I wonder if this is it, that I can't get any smarter than this to fill this shoes. My time management gets worse as I kept avoiding this gaps in my skills, and I don't feel good about it. After being a strong performer in this company, for years, I feel like somehow I need to do more. I can't afford to stay like this, and I'm still making effort to do better. But I don't know, I don't feel satisfied in my growth, and it didn't feel enough. I don't know.

3. Pursuing master study. Granted, this is my first try. I am not squeezing myself dry for this. Yet, I have so much to prove, and I want to get this eventually to prove this. I feel stuck here perhaps just because I don't feel like I have the bandwidth to make more effort here, and although there are so many opportunities left, I am not confident, just seeing everyone much better than me in their preparation, and seeing how cool and awesome everyone who currently took the master degree is (though they might be struggling on the inside). This is pretty small issues though compared to the other, considering it is more tangible, and how I have more opportunities in the future. But still, this rejection just emphasized how I am stuck, in my life right now.

4. This feeling is also amplified by how I am seeing all my friends moving forward, making commitments, falling in love, going abroad, and more. Everyone is moving forward except me. I don't know what to do. I dreamed to do an aspirational roadtrip by myself - but as my plans get shifted, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. I don't know what to do.

I realize that when you're stuck, you need to try to wiggle out your way to not be stuck anymore. I can do that for problem number 2 and 3, though time will tell if I will ever be enough for that. But for problem number 1, I don't know, man. This is all so hard. I hoped that at least with my love life going nowhere, I'll be better in another life aspects. But this time, even I fail (/moving tooooooo slowly to solve) the tangible ones. I am trying my best to give it up to God, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I will have to give it up to God. Because I'm really stuck, and I don't know what to do.