Manifesting a partner to God

 Dear God

I do hope my partner have these traits in the future - will update or revise it gradually

Bold character = must have

1. Understand my quirks
2. Can (and make efforts) deeply connects with me. I don't want the understanding and connection to be one-sided
3. Pursue me. I don't want to be the pursuer anymore.
4. Someone who I can spontaneously ask to go on adventure or to try new things, many things that I want to try in life. Whether or not they like them, they are willing to give it a try because I like it (vice versa)
5. Would be great if we can share hobbies and interests. 
6. Taller than me
7. Good looking
8. Strong (physically, mentally, emotionally)
9. A good hugger.
10. Someone who can smoothly place himself in any social situation (mediator between me and my family)
11. Loves love and loves people as much as I do, and perhaps love their work as well
12. Professional in their work - have purpose in what they are working on
13. Someone who can work together with me. We should respect and understand each other school of thoughts.
14. Wants to try or watch what I recommend
15. Aware and open about mental health - not scared and willingly go to therapy
16. Financially stable and honest
17. Saves money but still lives in the moment
18. Can be impulsive but also think strategically
19. Not a fanatic in their religion, but spiritually mature
20. Tolerant and have the same acceptance to multitude of cultural differences around us (with different race, religion, sexual orientation, and many more)
21. Open to flexible gender roles in household - if needed for my career and I can support the family, he should be willing to be the homemaker and vice versa.
22. Don't let me take the burden of parenting and homemaking alone.
23. Thinks I'm beautiful
24. Can drive a car and drive me home
25. Do sports
26. Proud of me
27. A warm person
28. Are not afraid of phone calls
29. Not avoidant of their feelings
30. Willing to finish any fights/mishaps/debates in maximum 2 days
31. Likes doing charity
32. Has empathy and sensitivity (peka) for others
33. Challenge each other to be better person
34. Likes to watch performing arts
35. Identify and understand grey areas in social matters
36. Has good education
37. Can accompany me working/staying up late in the night, but not too late that it's unhealthy
38. Likes living in the city
39. Happily takes public transport when needed
40. Didn't tolerate jokes that goes too far for the sake of comedy
41. Like dogs
42. Someone I'm already familiar with
43. Have a good social life, can blend in to various lifestyle
44. Come from a multicultural background
45. Have nice parents who don't meddle into our life
46. Understand my concerns about the world and somehow become my solace to focus on the present (I'm trying to do it by myself still - but you know sometimes a person can calm you down)
47. Want to watch all three HSM with me (and hopefully like it and its songs too!)

I don't want to feel lonely anymore

 Tuhan, aku pengen banget hidup, tapi aku capek juga hidup........................... susah banget Tuhan rasanya hidup............ aku sayang sama keluargaku........ tapi kesel juga......................... aku takut kehilangan tapi capek juga Tuhan.......

jangan ambil mereka dari aku ya di dunia nyata fisik ini.. tapi ya aku pribadi bingung harus apa ya supaya ga capek........................................

berharap punya pegangan pasangan, tapi gimana Tuhan kalau sama keluarga begini...................................... gimana ya Tuhan............. aku sayang mereka tapi aku sedih...............

God exists?

 I was feeling fairly desperate when I wrote my last post - basically just feeling stuck and didn't know what to do??

When I finished writing the last post, I feel that I really need to talk to someone about this, because I just don't know what to do.

Friend 1 had reach out to me earlier but I didn't reply out of fear that she would now be available. I know she would be able to understand my feeling, so I decided to ask her if she's currently in the capacity to tend to me.

Reached out to my distant ex-crush - though I don't talk to him often anymore, but I thought he is someone I could talk to about this matter. He didn't get back.

Then, Friend 1 replied to me and willingly guide me through this.

Then, Friend 2 suddenly reach out! Out of nowhere. Someone who have been very reliable but unavailable at the same time, who always come when I was not at my best. Which is sucks, because I want to be a fun friend for him.

Then I proceed to a very healing conversation with both of them. Can't express how grateful I am for them, for bringing me out of the rabbit hole while letting me grief. God actually hear my desperate plea for the right people to confide. This doesn't happen often, but still, I thank you, God.

I truly wish I could give it up to you more willingly and trust my life with Your plan. I hope I can. Give me strength and kindly provide the very best life for my amazing friends, God. And many other people that I love. Thank you God. Thank you.

This is not an isolated case.

 Today, I get a rejection letter from my first attempt at scholarship.

After swearing to myself to never get a master degree after graduating with a trauma on a lecturer, I gave my 80% into this. I suppose that is my best, because despite how I want a master degree, I still want to be mentally healthy considering all the work project pouring into my new role as a manager.

I feel sad and bummed-but-not-so-sad at the same time.

Bummed-not-so-sad, because I expected this when I saw people greater than me, and people who seems to want this more than me, didn't get in. I kinda feel bad when seeing them, because I didn't feel like I deserve it. My best was not enough, and was much less than their less-than-best, I assume. I recognized the flaw in my application, but it is still the best I can do, given my experience and track record until now. So I don't think I can have as much sadness as those who already have the platform to make use of their degree, or those who are much less fortunate than me. But still, I can't help but feel bummed about this.

I feel sad, not solely because of this rejection. I just feel like this rejection is a part of the bigger problem in my life, which is the fact that I am currently stuck when time keeps going.

1. My love life is going nowhere - I don't have anyone to crush on nor ever have someone crush on me, in my whole life. No one ever have a crush on me. I have much improved myself since then, and if I were to measure it on me, I think I am pretty decent to date. I would want to date me. But I have no idea how to crack on this problem when there is just no one around you. Even when you did meet one, the instant attraction just doesn't come. First impression is everything I guess, but I don't know what's wrong with me, or what I did wrong. Even when I am not highly attracted to the men, it's still a bummer when they don't do any effort for me. It is TIRING to keep being the one to make the effort, and I'm burning with envy seeing how everyone around me can do this effortlessly. They might make the effort to maintain the relationship, but they are not alone in starting it. I am tired. I want to be pursued for once. I want to make the effort in maintaining the relationship, I think I am pretty good at it. But there's nothing to maintain when no one would take a chance on me. I don't know what to do.

2. My career has not been going well as the manager. Granted, I am the youngest manager here, which is a credit of its own and something that I sell in my essay. Yet, at this moment, I am stuck. I am not getting any better for what it's worth. I feel like this is my best effort, the smartest of me until now, but I wonder if this is it, that I can't get any smarter than this to fill this shoes. My time management gets worse as I kept avoiding this gaps in my skills, and I don't feel good about it. After being a strong performer in this company, for years, I feel like somehow I need to do more. I can't afford to stay like this, and I'm still making effort to do better. But I don't know, I don't feel satisfied in my growth, and it didn't feel enough. I don't know.

3. Pursuing master study. Granted, this is my first try. I am not squeezing myself dry for this. Yet, I have so much to prove, and I want to get this eventually to prove this. I feel stuck here perhaps just because I don't feel like I have the bandwidth to make more effort here, and although there are so many opportunities left, I am not confident, just seeing everyone much better than me in their preparation, and seeing how cool and awesome everyone who currently took the master degree is (though they might be struggling on the inside). This is pretty small issues though compared to the other, considering it is more tangible, and how I have more opportunities in the future. But still, this rejection just emphasized how I am stuck, in my life right now.

4. This feeling is also amplified by how I am seeing all my friends moving forward, making commitments, falling in love, going abroad, and more. Everyone is moving forward except me. I don't know what to do. I dreamed to do an aspirational roadtrip by myself - but as my plans get shifted, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. I don't know what to do.

I realize that when you're stuck, you need to try to wiggle out your way to not be stuck anymore. I can do that for problem number 2 and 3, though time will tell if I will ever be enough for that. But for problem number 1, I don't know, man. This is all so hard. I hoped that at least with my love life going nowhere, I'll be better in another life aspects. But this time, even I fail (/moving tooooooo slowly to solve) the tangible ones. I am trying my best to give it up to God, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I will have to give it up to God. Because I'm really stuck, and I don't know what to do.

Sometimes

 Sometimes, I feel like the time when I will finally receive the most love, the validation and the appreciation that I crave, is the day I die. The day when everything will be reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if people regret doing/not doing things to me when I am alive. I always have the same regret toward people, but I don't know if that's reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will get the apologies I deserved when I die. The love I deserve. The recognition I deserve.

However, no matter how much love and regret there was, I don't think that feeling will last that long. It will just like one-time thingy which perhaps can be forgettable as people easily move on. If it really comes through when I die, it sucks because I can't even be there to receive it.

I'm not even sure if that love and regret is there in the first place.

It's so unfair, when others can easily get love and take it for granted or throw it away like it's nothing.

Perhaps my existence was not meant to be reciprocated.

*I love my life too much that I want to get all those love, regrets, and apologies when I'm still alive. I want to feel reciprocated and appreciated for a long, long time, in this life. I want my families and friends, and people whom I attracted romantically, to reciprocate my existence. God, I desperately hope for your help here. Because I am just not enough, and I don't know how to make me enough.

13/2/2021: Plot twist

Sebuah plot twist.

Kalau di IG cewekmu, ini artinya plot twist bahagia (dia bisa jadi sama kamu), sayangnya dihidupku nggak sebahagia itu.

Plot twist ku adalah cowok yang aku sukain setelah kamu, mendadak udah punya pacar kayak setahun ke belakang.

Jujur sangat nggak beruntung sih.

fak.

2020

 Yak, tidak sadar sudah 2020. Terakhir kali post 2017. Berhasil melewati beberapa galau tanpa wadah ini untungnya, dan masih baik-baik saja.

Si cowok yang kita galaukan di tahun 2017-2018 itu sudah punya cewek. Baru aja.

Bodohnya, I still like the idea of him. Cuma ya, aku ngerti sih, dari segala sisi juga, we are not meant for each other. Nggak tau cuma kenapa belum bisa let go sepenuhnya, atau kenapa masih sedih. Mungkin karena fakta kalau aku nggak akan bisa jadi cici cici cetar tipe cowok kayak dia. I thought bakal beda tipenya, ternyata sama-sama aja.

Emang waktunya aku cari cowok yang tipenya kayak aku. Tapi dimana juga gak tau sih. Jujur gue sendiri bingung target market gue siapa. If I were a man, what kind of man I am and how would I want me to be my girlfriend? Lol grammatically membingungkan ya.

Jujur masih berharap punya pasangan, meskipun dalam hati siap-siap mental juga kalau emang harus sendiri. Ya gimana ya. It's out of my control. Gue mau tulis ketakutan atau penyesalan aja kali ya:

• Menyesalkan kehilangan waktu untuk lebih lama jatuh cinta, atau lebih lama mengenal satu sama lain.
• Salah satu bucket list ku juga succeeding LDR, udah sulit juga kelihatannya.
• Takut juga kalau gue punya pasangan sekarang, terus gak cocok dan putus, dan sesusah apa nyari lagi.
• Tapi takut juga kalau gue punya pasangan bakal jadi toxic dan gue needy dan clingy dan posesif dalam effort untuk nggak mau putus (tapi malah bikin putus)
• Takut juga kalau gue sendiri juga belum menemukan dan cukup percaya sama diri gue sendiri untuk stand my ground dalam suatu hubungan
• Kalau dalam hubungannya aja bingung, apalagi buat mulai. Nggak gitu pede juga buat memulai apapun
• Karena takut ditolak. Takut dikacangin, takut diomongin di belakang ataupun nggak cocok
• Takut juga aku pengen menikah dan lain-lain karena takut nggak fit in aja sebenarnya atau dianggap aneh sendiri. Bukan karena beneran pengen
• I'm principled enough juga tapi untuk nggak menikah just for the sake untuk menikah. Jadi ya serba salah juga, takut selamanya nggak pede nggak fit in (padahal ya bisa ku embrace juga kan kalau aku emang beda dari yang lain)
• On the other hand, aku mau merasakan cinta yang dalam kayak yang dialami orang lain. Nggak tau akan punya kesempatan ini apa nggak. Ngerasain anniversary tiap tahun atau bulan di awal-awal, dapat bunga, partnership pas travelling. Pengen. Ini yang rasanya running out of time banget.

Yah sebenernya intinya... aku pengen bisa embracing my authentic self dengan segala principle dan ideals-nya, percaya diri dengan itu meskipun mungkin nggak fit in, dan merasakan cinta yang dalaaam tapi bisa diajak berpetualang (kali aja mau diajak ke Rusia bareng naik kereta, who knows).

 Sama aja prinsipnya yang nggak berani KPR karena takut running out of time mimpi travelling. Tapi di sisi lain kalau aku gak berkeluarga, sebenarnya bisa banget menyisihkan budget buat mimpi travelling itu hehe. Tapi pengen jatuh cinta (dan dicintai) yang proper. Bingung gak? Aku sih bingung.

Sekian. Nggak sabar 2021 cuma karena berharap lihat tabungan setelah menabung beberapa bulan ke depan ini hehe.

Semoga kita semua baik-baik saja.