yang masih harus aku lakukan dalam hidup ini aja, abis itu udah.

1. lunasin utang diri sendiri ke orang tua
2. traktir keluarga liburan full 10 kali (campur domestik dan internasional
3. punya warisan juga ke keluarga masing2 1000 usd
4. lunasin apartemen dulu

yang masih pengen dilakukan (tapi ga harus, kalau gabisa gapapa)

1. baca semua buku yg udah dibeli dan nonton drakor dan film yang diinginkan (asumsi sebagai hantu bisa nonton gratis dan baca bebas)
2. bungee jumping
3. keliling dunia ke salar de uyuni dan naik kereta trans siberia. ke london, swedia, dan korea lagi.
4. liburan di sentosa resort
5. jatuh cinta dan dicintai balik romantically
6. pelihara anjing dachshund
7. bahagiain temen
8. promosiin lagu dan drama dan buku kesukaan ke temen dan keluarga
9. punya karir dan kerjaan yang bantuin orang butuh.

rasanya mau udahan tapi duitnya belum cukup................

If only I were less pathetic..

Then I wouldn’t have to find happiness externally, through projection to pop culture and celebrities.

Then I would have experienced more of real life that people are talking about

Then I would not be proud of things that someone else did

Then I would not be ashamed of things that someone else did

Then my happiness would not rely on others

Then I wouldn’t be that friendless loser who spent her time fangirling shameful things

Then I wouldn’t be that friendless loser

Then I wouldn’t view myself as a friendless loser

Then I would have more people understanding me

Then I would have more people accepting me

Then I would have various peer group from all walks of life and not be awkward around people

Then I would be more confident

Then my confidence would not rely on my pride

Then I would have more love from others

Then something this trivial wouldn’t be my source of happiness for the past 10 years.

Then something this trivial wouldn’t harm me this much

…………………

Let there be light at the end of this tunnel. Let this tunnel end. Please.

 Well, life update.

The second half of 2024 sucks big time, mainly due to housing and financial issues. It’s pure bad luck to get a shitty landlord. The worst of luck.

Indirectly it affects the effort I can put out for my job application. Which has not been fruitful until now.

I’m doing my best and grabbing the closest opportunity that I can grab to learn and putting my foot in the front door of the new career direction that I’ve meant to take, but I don’t think it’s enough.

I desperately need money, to pay rent, to pay for my apartment back home, to make sure that my parents don’t worry too much.

I’ve cried multiple times due to all of those. The toxic landlord, the financial loss, and rejections from all the job-hunting effort.

Lastly, tonight I cried because not only I had to let go a part of me for more than 10 years, but also because that part of me sucks. By “part of me”, meaning an identity cultivated from a fandom that I’ve been a part of since 2011, a drama that change my life, a song that meant a lot. An intersection of my life’s pride and stability that has revolved around an actor, whose work and presence has been saving my life multiple times. I don’t know what to make of it. This feels like a cherry on top of other happenings in my life. It is disorienting and quite devastating.

If there is a silver lining, or things that I’m still grateful of, it would be my parents, my core family. Their visit on December kept me living life. Kept me going. I wish I have more time with them physically in this world. I wish to finish my quest in London / UK as soon as I can, to be financially healthy again, pay them back, make them happy, and then spend my time with them - maybe through a remote job? If my apartment installment finishes, maybe I could take some months resting from the rent. Maybe?

I still want to change the world, but as I didn’t have any outlook on what that would be like career-wise at the moment, I don’t have any plans or dreams. Long story short, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. But, I feel like time will tell and let me know if the steps that I take in front of me is the right one or not. I feel like I can only keep going. I want the universe to tell me if there’s anything that I should change. And I want to find myself and be happy again… 

Words is the most powerful form of action

 It gets crystallized, articulated clearly, contextualized, felt, conveyed, simple.

My most unpopular opinion would be: "Words speak louder than actions." Someone can always do any action if they have the means to do it. Also, they might consider some actions 'responsibility' or 'requirements' to the roles they perform.

Meanwhile conveying the 'true' words, the sincere ones, require vulnerability and bravery, trust and maturity. Everyone can act if they want (and capable) to, but not everyone can say the words. Words is the most powerful actions you could do, and have

Words stay longer in the hearts, words feeds into someone's emotion, words hurt like no other. Words can be written and crystallized. Words are beautiful.

-April 5th 2024, just published now

Halo dari London!

Apa kabar haha

Sekarang udah S2.

Kaget banget nggak ada tulisan apapun di tahun 2023, padahal tahunnya cukup eventful. Rekap hidup sampai sekarang, grak.

Gue dapet kuliah di kampus keren dan keluar negri, ke Longdon hehe. Kampusnya membuat gue merasa hal-hal yang sebelumnya tidak mungkin jadi mungkin, dan kasih makan idealisme yang sebenarnya sudah aku punya sejak dulu. Tapi itu perasaanku di Autumn Term, mostly. Di Winter term, aku dihadapkan dengan kenyataan kalau ternyata idealisme ini cuma bisa ada dalam lingkaran tertentu aja yang belajar tentang ini, bukan orang biasa. Sayangnya jadi subjek yang paling tidak dipedulikan orang lain pada umumnya. Lagi berjuang bagaimana caranya supaya api ini masih bisa dijaga. Karena kalau tidak dijaga, kayaknya guenya yang runtuh bersama apinya. 

Resign dari kantor - happy karena menyadari seberapa banyaknya gue disayang orang. Rasa happy-nya mirip sama pas wisuda (dapat banyak bunga dan kata-kata sayang), tapi bedanya ini ada sedihnya dan takutnya juga. Sedih karena merasa kehilangan komunitas dan support system. Takut karena ngga punya high paying and fulfilling job lagi (menurut standar aku)

Hampir jadian serius sama orang, yang ternyata malah huge HUGE red flag that I actually dodge - ini di awal tahun 2023, tapi rasanya kayak belum lama karena itu jadi pengalaman terakhir yang membekas dan actually traumatis. Quite sucks karena traumanya masih sampai sekarang. Ini cukup menyedihkan sih. Tapi rasanya there's not much I can do... entah. The worst that actually happen is how that weakens my faith in love and how it hurts my pride. Tapi gue ngerti salahnya dimana, salah dari menurunkan standard dan nggak mendengarkan guts feeling. Salah banget ya Allah. Untuk pertama kalinya hubungan romansaku diakhiri dengan disgust instead of longing. Mau move on dari anger dan disgust ini ke something new, Tuhan.

Punya mimpi dan idealisme baru. Pengen lebih banyak ngelakuin hal baik untuk banyak orang. Pengen kerja di tempat yang baik sama dunia dan punya orang-orang yang baik sama dunia juga di dalamnya. Paling nggak, yang punya intensi baik, atau ya orang-orangnya baik cukup sih. Mimpi besarnya pengen jadi petinggi di NGO, dan United Nations aka PBB Tuhan. Pengen berdampak pada dunia, pengen meninggalkan jejak baik, punya legacy, mengubah dunia jadi lebih baik, mengubah orang jadi lebih baik. Lebih punya empati dan lebih mau peduli. Jujur merasa naif banget, telat punya mimpi ini sekarang. Somehow mimpinya juga berasa childish untuk umur segini? Karena udah pushing 30, harusnya udah lebih ngerti how the world works dan nerima aja. Tapi entah kenapa malah punya dorongan kuat untuk jadi rebel dan beda sendiri. Yang tentunya bikin pusing.

Krisis. Merasa sedih, hopeless, helpless, dan frustrasi karena dunia dan orang-orang sekitar ngga punya pemahaman yang sama tentang apa yang baik dan tidak baik. Standard moralnya rasanya beda. Krisis ini secara langsung ataupun tidak langsung berpengaruh ke hubungan dengan teman (jadi susah vulnerable karena merasa beda sendiri dan tidak dimengerti) dan ke keterbukaan terhadap calon partner. Sedang dalam proses melewatinya. Selama disertasi mungkin. Tapi untuk strategis menjaga energi emosional dan resilien sama hal-hal buruk, selama masih ada goal ini, mungkin baiknya dijaga harapan yang ada sekecil apapun dengan berada di circle yang suportif dan sepaham.

Semua itu juga mendorong proses perpindahan relasi dan pertemanan. Apalagi didorong dengan pemilu yang secara langsung menunjukkan moral standing orang-orang dalam life priority-nya. Meskipun fuel-nya ignorance, still sedih. Apapun relasi yang hilang, aku cuma berharap supaya bisa tumbuh kembali dalam bentuk lain. Aku harap banget sih.

2024 sudah beres Q1, masih panjang. Banyak takut, sedih, dan cemasnya ya, kalau dipikir-pikir. Semoga aku kuat. Wish me luck universe. 

Manifesting a life experience/scenario

 This one

Terus gue keinget... kenapa kalau manifesting gini ga pernah soal jodoh ya??? Padahal kan bisa terwujud

Ada deng di list ideal itu wkwk tapi beda

Manifesting juga supportive life partner yang physically lebih TINGGI (kalau bisa jauh) dan goodlooking, pinter/well educated tapi open minded dan passionate in everything he do. AMIIIINNNNNNNNN

Hoping to close this year with a good bang, as a better, cooler person!!!

Semoga trip ke Bali dan outstation2 lainnya baik2 saja!! Ortu dedek juga sehat2!! Amiiinnnn!!!!!!!!!!! Love, me

There is no way...

 There is no way someone, woman, could have their self esteem intact when they have never been pursued first by all the men she likes.. after living in this world where everything gets romanticized in the media, where other women get wooed and pursued by the men, where the women job is to wait.

When her crushes all settled with cute and pretty women that just not her...

To be honest.. this looks bleak

 Seeing how there is definitely some sort of generational trauma that I have, financial needs, and personal/professional aspiration, I feel that it is extremely difficult and challenging for me to ever have a good romantic relationship and even get married.. Must admit that I'm not feeling optimistic right now and really can't imagine how I could ever find someone to fall for or to have someone fall for me.. and to have a bond so strong that we are willing to commit forever.. and to have the financial means to support adequate lifestyle cost and to raise other beings...

I just don't know man.. I would want a companion, but I don't see any possibility even for me to open up to new people in this space.. So I'm being realistic and setting expectation.. and living life vicariously through medias I consume.

I don't know what to pray for myself for now. God I hope I can find what exactly is I am looking for somehow, whatever it is

I am actually cool and awesome

 which makes me feel pretty bad to a lot of people... sorry guys

so this comes true.....

it still feels surreal to me.

I mean... how can I?!?! I can't say it out loud because it would be ungrateful, but I didn't really plan this... Initially I don't even want to apply....

I feel sorry to a very good friend who guided me throughout the process but didn't get in... I mean she deserve this too!! God please give her a good scholarship else I'll be very guilty going forward. I want the best for her.

Another person I feel guilty toward was my little sister... if only the initial comparison that people did between me and her is not enough, now that I got this.. it will only get bigger. I hope her self esteem can get stronger so that she won't be so bothered by this..

And man, this beginner's luck was just... idk, I'm speechless. If I recount my experience with this kind of luck, there are some of it in the course of my life

• When I got into the economic Olympiad in high school for lesser effort than a friend who works her ass off...
• When I got into favorite public university without any course or intensive bimbel
• When I win the ad competition..
• Basically any recognition I got in the workplace..
• and this... the scholarship man...

I don't know, because I feel like I don't put much effort , I feel like there are much luck comes to play. (not to say that I am not struggling - I do struggle, but I wonder if my struggle was as heavy as other people). And the fact that I got this much luck made me wonder if

• the failure that life has been saving me from is piled up somewhere someday waiting for me.. GOD I HOPE NOT
• the failure was relegated to any other life's aspect, i.e  love life. which kinda sad - can I have all of it moderately?

I am grateful since I do want to live abroad at least one year, and to be smart and credible. But all these lucks make me scared.

If these are not luck given from God, then am I really that smart? But I do struggle a lot.

I don't know. These are unreal, I feel grateful and anxious. I hope everything goes well in the future. Thanks God.

Hope you can still give me a lot of chances to meet and cherish all my families and friends, all my loved ones, despite all these lucks in the education/career aspect. Amen. Thank you once again, God.

8 june

 Tonight is pretty sucks

I mean, the looming deadline is right there.

My insecurity peaked through since I met the very kakak who I am incredibly jealous of, again.

Shining lights to my very insecure self

How someone who seems very distance every time I interact with her, even when I know her since high school, just got beaten up like that by she who is a stranger.

I was reminded about how my crush was 'stolen' just like that. Which is sucks.

And then I check the Instagram of the wife of my another past crush.

Her profile picture used to be two of them in Paris, but now it's only her prettily with the backdrop of Eiffel.

Again, reminds me how maybe he and I were never meant to be. Which is sucks, because I would like to blame it on timings or whatever, not on our personalities.

I hope things change, but I felt like I was destined to be alone and never romantically loved by man.

God, I hope this is really not the case in the future, please?

Bisa (?) (!) (?!)

 If I can get this scholarship type in my first try, and go to UK by this year or next year (2023), that would be super cool and awesome

Manifesting a partner to God

 Dear God

I do hope my partner have these traits in the future - will update or revise it gradually

Bold character = must have

1. Understand my quirks
2. Can (and make efforts) deeply connects with me. I don't want the understanding and connection to be one-sided
3. Pursue me. I don't want to be the pursuer anymore.
4. Someone who I can spontaneously ask to go on adventure or to try new things, many things that I want to try in life. Whether or not they like them, they are willing to give it a try because I like it (vice versa)
5. Would be great if we can share hobbies and interests. 
6. Taller than me
7. Good looking
8. Strong (physically, mentally, emotionally)
9. A good hugger.
10. Someone who can smoothly place himself in any social situation (mediator between me and my family)
11. Loves love and loves people as much as I do, and perhaps love their work as well
12. Professional in their work - have purpose in what they are working on
13. Someone who can work together with me. We should respect and understand each other school of thoughts.
14. Wants to try or watch what I recommend
15. Aware and open about mental health - not scared and willingly go to therapy
16. Financially stable and honest
17. Saves money but still lives in the moment
18. Can be impulsive but also think strategically
19. Not a fanatic in their religion, but spiritually mature
20. Tolerant and have the same acceptance to multitude of cultural differences around us (with different race, religion, sexual orientation, and many more)
21. Open to flexible gender roles in household - if needed for my career and I can support the family, he should be willing to be the homemaker and vice versa.
22. Don't let me take the burden of parenting and homemaking alone.
23. Thinks I'm beautiful
24. Can drive a car and drive me home
25. Do sports
26. Proud of me
27. A warm person
28. Are not afraid of phone calls
29. Not avoidant of their feelings
30. Willing to finish any fights/mishaps/debates in maximum 2 days
31. Likes doing charity
32. Has empathy and sensitivity (peka) for others
33. Challenge each other to be better person
34. Likes to watch performing arts
35. Identify and understand grey areas in social matters
36. Has good education
37. Can accompany me working/staying up late in the night, but not too late that it's unhealthy
38. Likes living in the city
39. Happily takes public transport when needed
40. Didn't tolerate jokes that goes too far for the sake of comedy
41. Like dogs
42. Someone I'm already familiar with
43. Have a good social life, can blend in to various lifestyle
44. Come from a multicultural background
45. Have nice parents who don't meddle into our life
46. Understand my concerns about the world and somehow become my solace to focus on the present (I'm trying to do it by myself still - but you know sometimes a person can calm you down)
47. Want to watch all three HSM with me (and hopefully like it and its songs too!)

I don't want to feel lonely anymore

 Tuhan, aku pengen banget hidup, tapi aku capek juga hidup........................... susah banget Tuhan rasanya hidup............ aku sayang sama keluargaku........ tapi kesel juga......................... aku takut kehilangan tapi capek juga Tuhan.......

jangan ambil mereka dari aku ya di dunia nyata fisik ini.. tapi ya aku pribadi bingung harus apa ya supaya ga capek........................................

berharap punya pegangan pasangan, tapi gimana Tuhan kalau sama keluarga begini...................................... gimana ya Tuhan............. aku sayang mereka tapi aku sedih...............

God exists?

 I was feeling fairly desperate when I wrote my last post - basically just feeling stuck and didn't know what to do??

When I finished writing the last post, I feel that I really need to talk to someone about this, because I just don't know what to do.

Friend 1 had reach out to me earlier but I didn't reply out of fear that she would now be available. I know she would be able to understand my feeling, so I decided to ask her if she's currently in the capacity to tend to me.

Reached out to my distant ex-crush - though I don't talk to him often anymore, but I thought he is someone I could talk to about this matter. He didn't get back.

Then, Friend 1 replied to me and willingly guide me through this.

Then, Friend 2 suddenly reach out! Out of nowhere. Someone who have been very reliable but unavailable at the same time, who always come when I was not at my best. Which is sucks, because I want to be a fun friend for him.

Then I proceed to a very healing conversation with both of them. Can't express how grateful I am for them, for bringing me out of the rabbit hole while letting me grief. God actually hear my desperate plea for the right people to confide. This doesn't happen often, but still, I thank you, God.

I truly wish I could give it up to you more willingly and trust my life with Your plan. I hope I can. Give me strength and kindly provide the very best life for my amazing friends, God. And many other people that I love. Thank you God. Thank you.

This is not an isolated case.

 Today, I get a rejection letter from my first attempt at scholarship.

After swearing to myself to never get a master degree after graduating with a trauma on a lecturer, I gave my 80% into this. I suppose that is my best, because despite how I want a master degree, I still want to be mentally healthy considering all the work project pouring into my new role as a manager.

I feel sad and bummed-but-not-so-sad at the same time.

Bummed-not-so-sad, because I expected this when I saw people greater than me, and people who seems to want this more than me, didn't get in. I kinda feel bad when seeing them, because I didn't feel like I deserve it. My best was not enough, and was much less than their less-than-best, I assume. I recognized the flaw in my application, but it is still the best I can do, given my experience and track record until now. So I don't think I can have as much sadness as those who already have the platform to make use of their degree, or those who are much less fortunate than me. But still, I can't help but feel bummed about this.

I feel sad, not solely because of this rejection. I just feel like this rejection is a part of the bigger problem in my life, which is the fact that I am currently stuck when time keeps going.

1. My love life is going nowhere - I don't have anyone to crush on nor ever have someone crush on me, in my whole life. No one ever have a crush on me. I have much improved myself since then, and if I were to measure it on me, I think I am pretty decent to date. I would want to date me. But I have no idea how to crack on this problem when there is just no one around you. Even when you did meet one, the instant attraction just doesn't come. First impression is everything I guess, but I don't know what's wrong with me, or what I did wrong. Even when I am not highly attracted to the men, it's still a bummer when they don't do any effort for me. It is TIRING to keep being the one to make the effort, and I'm burning with envy seeing how everyone around me can do this effortlessly. They might make the effort to maintain the relationship, but they are not alone in starting it. I am tired. I want to be pursued for once. I want to make the effort in maintaining the relationship, I think I am pretty good at it. But there's nothing to maintain when no one would take a chance on me. I don't know what to do.

2. My career has not been going well as the manager. Granted, I am the youngest manager here, which is a credit of its own and something that I sell in my essay. Yet, at this moment, I am stuck. I am not getting any better for what it's worth. I feel like this is my best effort, the smartest of me until now, but I wonder if this is it, that I can't get any smarter than this to fill this shoes. My time management gets worse as I kept avoiding this gaps in my skills, and I don't feel good about it. After being a strong performer in this company, for years, I feel like somehow I need to do more. I can't afford to stay like this, and I'm still making effort to do better. But I don't know, I don't feel satisfied in my growth, and it didn't feel enough. I don't know.

3. Pursuing master study. Granted, this is my first try. I am not squeezing myself dry for this. Yet, I have so much to prove, and I want to get this eventually to prove this. I feel stuck here perhaps just because I don't feel like I have the bandwidth to make more effort here, and although there are so many opportunities left, I am not confident, just seeing everyone much better than me in their preparation, and seeing how cool and awesome everyone who currently took the master degree is (though they might be struggling on the inside). This is pretty small issues though compared to the other, considering it is more tangible, and how I have more opportunities in the future. But still, this rejection just emphasized how I am stuck, in my life right now.

4. This feeling is also amplified by how I am seeing all my friends moving forward, making commitments, falling in love, going abroad, and more. Everyone is moving forward except me. I don't know what to do. I dreamed to do an aspirational roadtrip by myself - but as my plans get shifted, I don't know if I will ever be able to do that. I don't know what to do.

I realize that when you're stuck, you need to try to wiggle out your way to not be stuck anymore. I can do that for problem number 2 and 3, though time will tell if I will ever be enough for that. But for problem number 1, I don't know, man. This is all so hard. I hoped that at least with my love life going nowhere, I'll be better in another life aspects. But this time, even I fail (/moving tooooooo slowly to solve) the tangible ones. I am trying my best to give it up to God, but I don't know if I'm doing it right. I will have to give it up to God. Because I'm really stuck, and I don't know what to do.

Sometimes

 Sometimes, I feel like the time when I will finally receive the most love, the validation and the appreciation that I crave, is the day I die. The day when everything will be reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if people regret doing/not doing things to me when I am alive. I always have the same regret toward people, but I don't know if that's reciprocated.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will get the apologies I deserved when I die. The love I deserve. The recognition I deserve.

However, no matter how much love and regret there was, I don't think that feeling will last that long. It will just like one-time thingy which perhaps can be forgettable as people easily move on. If it really comes through when I die, it sucks because I can't even be there to receive it.

I'm not even sure if that love and regret is there in the first place.

It's so unfair, when others can easily get love and take it for granted or throw it away like it's nothing.

Perhaps my existence was not meant to be reciprocated.

*I love my life too much that I want to get all those love, regrets, and apologies when I'm still alive. I want to feel reciprocated and appreciated for a long, long time, in this life. I want my families and friends, and people whom I attracted romantically, to reciprocate my existence. God, I desperately hope for your help here. Because I am just not enough, and I don't know how to make me enough.

13/2/2021: Plot twist

Sebuah plot twist.

Kalau di IG cewekmu, ini artinya plot twist bahagia (dia bisa jadi sama kamu), sayangnya dihidupku nggak sebahagia itu.

Plot twist ku adalah cowok yang aku sukain setelah kamu, mendadak udah punya pacar kayak setahun ke belakang.

Jujur sangat nggak beruntung sih.

fak.

2020

 Yak, tidak sadar sudah 2020. Terakhir kali post 2017. Berhasil melewati beberapa galau tanpa wadah ini untungnya, dan masih baik-baik saja.

Si cowok yang kita galaukan di tahun 2017-2018 itu sudah punya cewek. Baru aja.

Bodohnya, I still like the idea of him. Cuma ya, aku ngerti sih, dari segala sisi juga, we are not meant for each other. Nggak tau cuma kenapa belum bisa let go sepenuhnya, atau kenapa masih sedih. Mungkin karena fakta kalau aku nggak akan bisa jadi cici cici cetar tipe cowok kayak dia. I thought bakal beda tipenya, ternyata sama-sama aja.

Emang waktunya aku cari cowok yang tipenya kayak aku. Tapi dimana juga gak tau sih. Jujur gue sendiri bingung target market gue siapa. If I were a man, what kind of man I am and how would I want me to be my girlfriend? Lol grammatically membingungkan ya.

Jujur masih berharap punya pasangan, meskipun dalam hati siap-siap mental juga kalau emang harus sendiri. Ya gimana ya. It's out of my control. Gue mau tulis ketakutan atau penyesalan aja kali ya:

• Menyesalkan kehilangan waktu untuk lebih lama jatuh cinta, atau lebih lama mengenal satu sama lain.
• Salah satu bucket list ku juga succeeding LDR, udah sulit juga kelihatannya.
• Takut juga kalau gue punya pasangan sekarang, terus gak cocok dan putus, dan sesusah apa nyari lagi.
• Tapi takut juga kalau gue punya pasangan bakal jadi toxic dan gue needy dan clingy dan posesif dalam effort untuk nggak mau putus (tapi malah bikin putus)
• Takut juga kalau gue sendiri juga belum menemukan dan cukup percaya sama diri gue sendiri untuk stand my ground dalam suatu hubungan
• Kalau dalam hubungannya aja bingung, apalagi buat mulai. Nggak gitu pede juga buat memulai apapun
• Karena takut ditolak. Takut dikacangin, takut diomongin di belakang ataupun nggak cocok
• Takut juga aku pengen menikah dan lain-lain karena takut nggak fit in aja sebenarnya atau dianggap aneh sendiri. Bukan karena beneran pengen
• I'm principled enough juga tapi untuk nggak menikah just for the sake untuk menikah. Jadi ya serba salah juga, takut selamanya nggak pede nggak fit in (padahal ya bisa ku embrace juga kan kalau aku emang beda dari yang lain)
• On the other hand, aku mau merasakan cinta yang dalam kayak yang dialami orang lain. Nggak tau akan punya kesempatan ini apa nggak. Ngerasain anniversary tiap tahun atau bulan di awal-awal, dapat bunga, partnership pas travelling. Pengen. Ini yang rasanya running out of time banget.

Yah sebenernya intinya... aku pengen bisa embracing my authentic self dengan segala principle dan ideals-nya, percaya diri dengan itu meskipun mungkin nggak fit in, dan merasakan cinta yang dalaaam tapi bisa diajak berpetualang (kali aja mau diajak ke Rusia bareng naik kereta, who knows).

 Sama aja prinsipnya yang nggak berani KPR karena takut running out of time mimpi travelling. Tapi di sisi lain kalau aku gak berkeluarga, sebenarnya bisa banget menyisihkan budget buat mimpi travelling itu hehe. Tapi pengen jatuh cinta (dan dicintai) yang proper. Bingung gak? Aku sih bingung.

Sekian. Nggak sabar 2021 cuma karena berharap lihat tabungan setelah menabung beberapa bulan ke depan ini hehe.

Semoga kita semua baik-baik saja.

huft

I can't differentiate whether this is love, liking someone, or just getting way too dependent to someone who showed you care a little and expecting too much from it.

Yeah, maybe you do like him,  you do care about him. And you decided to use whatever time remains to have fun with him since he will be out of country next year. But if you were this anxious, is this really worth it? However, you do understand how busy he is, and how sociable he is with his old friends. You know how he rarely opens his phone when interacting with someone, how he so unlike you in terms of replying chats and all. And if you have a relationship with him, you have to understand that. That's why at times I think that no, he was not for me, I can't deal with this, I should stop. But why does that make me feel so sad. Is it because like I don't have any men in my life? Lonely little sag of pimples and insecurities all in one package of clingy trysh huh

But I think you need to tell him too, how anxious he makes you and all. But I'm afraid that he might go away. I mean we don't have any commitment, he doesn't want to get serious any time now. What do I expect? He's free to go out and not telling me anything. But why does that make me feel sad. Do I have attachment issue again?

Yes this toxic for me. But how do I manage my future relationship if now I can't even deal with things like this?

sumpah ga enak banget perasaan dalem hati kayak seminggu ini  chatnya ga enak gitu loh cuma lapor2 doang dan flirting2 doang tapi kayak kurang tapi kayak gimana doi sibuk banget gue juga ada aja kerjaan. harusnya kamis kemaren nonton bareng huf. hari ini mau ngajakin malemnya tp doinya malah abis kerja udah ada janji sama temen lain. gue sakit aja gitu loh dalem hati kayak sepi ga enak ga enak banget gatau harus gmn huhuhuhuuHUHUHUHUHU gatau harus gmn 

Mimpi pagi ini

Jadi kayak dari kemarin malam menunggu balasan pesan... kepikiran banget tuh kan sampai yg biasanya gue tidur matiin sinyal kemarin tuh ngga.. jadi paling ngga pas pesannya sampe kesannya ga kayak hp w mati gitu... terus sampai pagi belum dibales, adanya cuma 1 chat dari orang lain di 1 grup yang beranggotakan orang yang ditungguin juga. Yauda lanjut aja kepikiran sampai di mobil berangkat belum dibales juga.

Terus di mobil kan tidur tuh, agak susah awalnya karna suara radio papa. Disitu sebelumnya gue mikirin orang yang ditungguin ini.. kayak worst case scenario aja.. apa gue udah membosankan sekarang, terlalu clingy, terlalu bahaya dan baper, apa doi mau stop, atau apa doi justru ikut baper, apa doi ga enak.. sampai akhirnya ketidur.

Di tidur itu gue gaada mimpi jelas.. cuma gue berasanya kayak ada kebangun gitu jam 8 kurang, di tempat yg masih agak jauh dari harmoni, dan kayak mikir wah ini macet banget.. trus karna belum dibales dan masih nunggu gue jadi bilang di grup kalau macet sih hari ini, dgn harapan ngecek si doi buka grup atau ngga, jadi tau apakah dia sengaja ga bales atau gmn. Ada juga niatan buat ngechat doi ngabarin hari ini macet tapi gajadi

Trus gue tidur lagi.. trus bangun di harmoni dan melihat kalau gaada tuh chat gue di grup ngabarin macet jam 8 kurang... semuanya mimpi guys. Saking nungguinnya sampai kebawa mimpi nyata gitu. Capek juga pas bangun karna di mimpi ceritanya udah bangun huhu. Is it me being obsessed? Bahaya banget nih terlalu ngarep dan overthinking huhuhu. Mana ga ketemu lg hari ini hft hft.

Doakan ku baik baik saja ya dan berhenti terlalu terobsesi.. ini masih tanpa status dan ngga ldr. Gimana nanti kri kalau harus move on pasti bakal susah banget. Dan kalaupun pacaran ini bakal jadi weakness. Harus berhenti overthinking! Coba jalanin biasa aja tanpa mikir gitu loh :(